Men are obsessed with oral sex. Getting it, that is. And like all the good little Monica Lewinskis out there, women give it. But after all their hard work, the only thing they receive in return is a gratified moan. If men spent as much time and energy on a woman’s private part, they would expect a lot in return – and a beer.

By Gus Bode

But unlike a female, who can give a guy pleasure by simply placing his member in her mouth, a man must learn the intricate and skillful art of cunnilingus to please a woman. It takes a lot for a man to love selflessly. But learning to truly satisfy a woman can bring rewards and benefits. It also gives a man the chance to even the playing field against other men. If you aren’t the most attractive guy or are far from wealthy, giving good head is a perfect way to make her see beyond your lazy eye and ’78 Dodge rust bucket.

Most men try to flatter themselves by assuming they have possessed the skills needed to command the female anatomy since they sprouted from it. In reality, it is a complicated sexual tool, which can baffle its owner over a lifetime. Since women are usually caring in nature, they allow men to believe they are somehow able to operate the equipment better than they can. It may be hard to swallow (no pun intended), but women do fake it – a lot. Most men believe they also have powers of physical lie detection, boasting, “I would know if she was faking,” or “I know I’m good because she told me I was the best she ever had.”

If men wholeheartedly believe such things, then women are really losing the battle. So, lesson No. 1 in munching mastery is:women cheat. It is not very difficult to squeal and gyrate one’s hips to indicate a faux orgasm.

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The good news is oral sex can be attributed to 80 percent of women’s orgasms. Getting a woman off by down-under stimulation first will mean her smile will last through the three minutes of ecstasy most men call love-making.

One important factor involved in good cunnilingus is time. The longer you stay downtown, the more likely you are to cover enough ground to hit the bull’s eye. On average, it takes a woman about 15 minutes to become aroused.

Do not attack the clitoris. It should remain the final stretch in a three-legged race. Instead, take up time and create sexual anticipation by laying the woman on her back and beginning to caress or, for the brave, kiss her feet. Slowly work your lips up her inner thigh, concentrating on creating simultaneous stimulation by combining strong massaging strokes with your hands and delicate or generous kisses with your lips and tongue.

Once you have arrived at ground zero, continue to tease her by varying your speed and proximity. Next, you can work toward the clitoris, which is a bundle of nerves much more sensitive than any area on the penis. Never bite her vagina. It is a common misconception among men that women enjoy being chewed on like a Chicklet.

Unless one has had successful past experience, it may seem a little daunting at first to “find the clitoris.” For anyone who might not have been paying attention in biology class, the clitoris is usually located about two inches above a woman’s vaginal opening. However, this can vary slightly from woman to woman depending on body type and vaginal proportion. In this instance, a little extra exploration with the tongue is encouraged. When you “find” it, you’ll know.

From this point, really listen to your partner and let her guide you in the right direction that feels the best for her. Women should be encouraging but truthful. Once a man becomes comfortable with your No. 1 erogenous zone, it can mean many unexpected and pleasant surprises in the future.

Oral sex is a very intimate encounter and can often be more fulfilling than the act of penetration. It is very important to communicate with your partner and only do things you both feel comfortable with. Oral sex should never be expected but rather treated as a special gift given because your partner wants to please you. Respect and intimacy go hand and hand, so listen to your lover’s wants and needs.

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Do what you will with my advice, but don’t take it too much to heart. After all, I am the Single Guy.

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