In late October, Vogue posted an article titled “Is Having a Boyfriend Embarrassing Now?” which set the internet on fire — well, especially my corner of the internet. The headline sparked controversy among several people with boyfriends, or just people trying to date men.

The content within the article is what some people needed to see. The author, Chanté Joseph, explains how modern dating has shifted, and explores the discomfort of what would be traditionally seen as an accomplishment for women. Joseph also focuses on how putting too much into a relationship can “water down” a woman’s individuality. 

Joseph dug into why women are not posting their boyfriends on social media, or why women are not striving to be in relationships with men. She also critiques how having a boyfriend has lost its shiny “badge of adulthood” status, claiming that some women are choosing independence rather than relationships. 

Joseph also touched on the generational shift of what is an accomplishment. Many women today set values within careers, friendships, and hobbies rather than relationships. 

Some people immediately said, yes, having a boyfriend is embarrassing, especially in the day and age of hookup culture and men whose world view comes from podcast clips on TikTok. Others disagreed, making sure the masses knew that their boyfriend could never embarrass them. Some expressed how they believed this was just another way to divide women who date men, splitting and categorizing us by who is single and who has a boyfriend. 

I believe some readers took a personal offence just by reading the headline, not bothering to read the article. Some people clutched their pearls at the headline, going onto social media posting pictures of their man, claiming having a boyfriend could never be embarrassing — which proves that media literacy is dead, but that is a conversation for another time. 

After reading the article, not just the headline, I didn’t perceive it as man-hating, despite what many said. Instead, it was a quite mindful critique of modern dating, very much in the spirit of Cher saying, “No, I love men — they’re the coolest. You just don’t need them to live.” 

I knew that others had strong opinions about the article, or even in this case, just the headline. So, in true Carrie Bradshaw fashion, I phoned a friend. 

Local resident Gracie Oldham, who is recently engaged, explained how she felt about Vogue’s article. 

“In certain situations, yes, it is embarrassing,” Oldham said. “Like when a girl will ask  permission to do something from her boyfriend because he is controlling. Or even when men are rude and unsupportive about friendships that they can’t control.”

Oldham said that a controlling or self-conscious man is embarrassing to date. Having a controlling partner is not an individual experience, either. According to the CDC, over 61 million women and 53 million men have experienced psychological aggression within relationships. In my opinion, life is too short to be bullied by a partner, gender aside. 

Oldham said that being in love isn’t embarrassing, as long as you aren’t in love with someone who is actively trying to embarrass you. She also touched on some women watering down who they are to keep or attract a man. 

“Some change their interests to appease who they are with or trying to attract,” she said. “That is not OK.” 

There has also been a shift in education and work that is affecting the embarrassment scale of dating men. Women are increasingly passing men in the educational department. Scott Galloway, a professor at NYU, warned of something he calls the “mating gap” in an interview with CNN.  

Galloway said that for every two college-educated women, there will be one college-educated man. Men aged 16-24 are earning 10% less than women in full-time income. Galloway made a formula for what women want, and it is pretty simple. According to his research, women want men with future resources — not money right now, but drive, kindness and intellect. That doesn’t seem like just the bare minimum, and men that possess these traits would not be embarrassing to date or pursue. 

“I feel like men do have better opportunities to have high-paying jobs without a degree like a welder or a lineman,” Oldham said. “I think it gets sticky when there is some loser guy who has a s—-y job with no education, then is with a successful woman. Then he turns insecure because he doesn’t like that she has an education, career and other things. I truly think it matters on how the man is doing.” 

Kassity Lee, a senior at SIU majoring in advertisement and marketing, who is currently single, expressed her feelings toward the article after it blew up online. 

“I took the time to read the article, and it seemed that the general statement is that people are tired of watching women’s personalities melt away the moment they partner up,” Lee said. “Especially in a dating scene that is frankly abysmal. Women don’t want to be pinned as someone who settles down and concedes themselves for a man when men have been giving the bare minimum.” 

Lee explained how she had recently gone on a first date with a man who openly told her that he doesn’t have any hobbies, without shame. 

“Guys like that, women don’t want to be associated with, and they definitely don’t want to be seen as giving themselves up for someone like that,” Lee said. “I don’t think it is inherently embarrassing to have a boyfriend, it’s embarrassing to shed your own interests, growth, everything, for someone who pales in comparison to you as an individual.” 

Women are also sick of being caregivers to grown men. Sure, there are ways to care for someone and show appreciation, but then there is going to work all day, then going home to cook and clean for a man who sits on the couch. 

“The sad reality is that a lot of men in the dating scene seemingly don’t want partners,” Lee said. “They want to be taken care of, they want to receive and just take and take. Women are tired of that … That is why it is embarrassing to say you have a boyfriend now, I think. People assume that you’re the victim of a personality-less man-baby, because so many people are.” 

Lee explained that she would love to date again, under certain circumstances for boyfriends to uphold. 

“When men decide to develop their own personalities, make compromises, and clean their apartments again, I think it will be less embarrassing,” Lee said. “I don’t see that day coming any time soon, though. One can hope.” 

The Vogue article also touches on dating in the age of social media. Many women are choosing to “soft launch” meaning they are letting their following know they are in a relationship, just without directly posting their boyfriend. 

Online dating and dating apps have also shifted the way people date. Tinder, the dating app where you can look at someone’s face and choose if you like them or not by swiping left or right, has a few features that could be blamed for the current dating market. Instant gratification by seeing who likes you, who believes you are attractive, who wants to take you out on a date all feels very middle school. It is almost like you were passed a note in science class reading “will you be my girlfriend?” 

Despite the feeling of Tinder feeling like you are stuck in middle school purgatory, it is an 18+ app. There is a feature on Tinder called “free tonight” where people looking for hookups can join and find someone to sleep with for the evening. You can also add what you are looking for in terms of dating, and one of the options is short-term fun. 

Listen, I enjoy transparency as much as the next woman. However, I don’t think a person should be dwindled down to just being labeled as “short-term fun.” 

With dating apps, 73% of users have experienced some type of domestic violence, according to The Australian Institute of Criminology. A sobering statistic that makes people sit back and think if it could be them as they swipe right and left. Domestic violence is never embarrassing, what is embarrassing is the culture that makes fun of women for wanting stability, security, or to just be treated like a human. 

So, is having a boyfriend embarrassing now? Honestly, yes — if he is the kind of man who asks “wyd” at 11 p.m. on a Tuesday night. The embarrassment is not found in love; pretending you do not want love from anyone could be embarrassing. Embarrassment doesn’t inherently sit on the title “boyfriend.” The embarrassment lies in if you have a boyfriend who isn’t worth publicly claiming, or if you feel the need to water yourself down to make a man feel bigger. 

It seems like the bar for expectations in men has made its way lower, buried somewhere in a pile of unsolicited pictures and “are you awake” texts. If your boyfriend clears the bar, congratulations. If he doesn’t? I guess that is between you and phoning a friend. 

Do you think having a boyfriend is embarrassing? Let us know by taking this short quiz. 

Is Having A Boyfriend Embarrassing?  – Prefilled form

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