Gus Bode’s coronavirus survival guide

By Gus Bode, Staff Reporter

Erin Denae Douglas | @cornbab

The coronavirus pandemic is filling the world with terror, canceling classes and events and causing a massive toilet paper shortage.

It feels like the bad beginning of a PG-13 zombie apocalypse movie, so here are Gus Bode’s top 10 ways to survive the corona apocalypse.

1. Get creative with toilet paper

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Kallie Cox
A sign posted at the Dollar General on S. Illinois Ave. in Carbondale showing they are out of toilet paper on March 15.

No toilet paper? No problem! Cut a paper towel roll in half, find some Kleenexes, use old makeup wipes or if you are feeling particularly thrifty, bring a gallon Ziploc bag with you wherever you go and steal some at your next McDonald’s stop.

If none of these solutions work for you, walk outside and grab some leaves. The vitamin D you’ll get on the walk after finally emerging from your house or bunker will do wonders for your immune system. Just remember: leaves of three, let them be.

2. Stockpile something useful

Instead of randomly buying all of the toilet paper in the U.S., try stocking up on something useful, like food and water.

You won’t have any use for toilet paper if you’re starving so it’s a good idea to grab some canned goods and non-perishables like SpaghettiOs and peanut butter.

3. Teach your grandma how to use Skype and Facebook

Older individuals and those with immune deficiencies are the most at risk for the virus, but that doesn’t mean you can use this as an excuse to ignore your grandma.

Teach your older loved ones how to use online platforms such as Skype and Facebook so they don’t have to feel alone through this. Besides, with classes cancelled, you have the time.

4. Perfect the nod

Corona spreads when people are within 6’ of each other so instead of hugging, kissing or canoodling, it’s time to perfect the nod.

Maintain a safe distance from loved ones, co-workers and strangers and once you make eye contact with them, briefly lift your chin at a 45 degree angle and then lower it. This is safer than a fist bump and cooler than a wave.

5. Always keep a Clorox wipe up your sleeve

You never know when someone at your job is going to hand you something, you are going to have to touch a common surface such as a gas pump, or a small child (aka a petri dish) is going to run up to you.

Keep a Clorox or other disinfectant wipe up your sleeve so you can whip it out at any time.

6. DIY disinfectant

Disinfectants are in short supply or are being jacked up to three times the price they were before corona, if you can’t find anything, baking soda and vinegar or standard rubbing alcohol may be your best options.

7. Keep gas in your car

Who knows what is going to happen with our infrastructure, toilet paper is in short supply now and gas may be next so it is a good idea to keep your tank full.

8. Walk carefully and carry a big stick

Walk carefully and remember to maintain at least a 7 feet distance from everyone around you. 

Invest in a sturdy broom stick and use it to shoo away anyone who gets too close.

9. Keep your phone charger on you at all times

If you are brave enough to venture out in public, you could be minding your own business and then suddenly need to go into quarantine. 

It’s vital to always have your phone charger on you, 14 days is a long time to go without candy crush and besides you can Skype your grandma to pass the time.

10. Finally….WASH YOUR HANDS!!!!!!

Washing your hands is the single most important thing you can do to prevent coronavirus. In case you need a refresher from preschool, use plenty of soap and scrub your hands for at least 20 seconds under warm water.

If it helps, sing the chorus of Lizzo’s “Good as hell” twice.

The Daily Egyptian’s Arts & Entertainment Desk can be reached at 1-618-536-3328, by email at [email protected] or on Twitter at @dailyegyptian.

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