There’s an old saying that you don’t fight fire with fire. But obviously fighting it with water in the political realm does not work.

You can’t fight the drug war with cops, you can’t fight hunger with fat people and you can’t fight football lovers with dumb soccer fans who insist on calling their sport football like a bunch of commies.

And England is ahead of the curve.

Prime Minister David Cameron’s aide and anti-porn advisor Patrick Rock was arrested on Tuesday on child pornography charges. A lot of people were upset by the news.

But here’s the thing: It’s a fantastic strategy. I mean, who else knows about child pornography more than a guy who hypocritically owns child pornography while denouncing it? It’s like a beautiful Mobius strip of logic, and America needs to take heed.

So I’ve taken it upon myself to reorganize President Obama’s Cabinet to make it much more efficient. So let’s begin.

Secretary of State: Herman Cain

No surprise here, Herman Cain is the man for the job. Whether it’s spending a painfully awkward amount of time trying to remember what a Libya is or trying to find Uzbekibekibekistanstan, Cain knows literally nothing about even basic geography, let alone world affairs.

So why not put him up for the job? He’ll make every other world leader seem smarter by comparison (because even Kim Jong-Un is probably smarter than Cain). This will smooth over relations with every nation in the world. You think Putin’s thinking about invading somewhere after Cain makes him feel like the smartest man in the world? Exactly.

Secretary of the Treasury: Bernie Madoff

On the one hand, Madoff is a cretin who robbed from a lot of innocent people by robbing from a lot of really dumb wealthy people.

But now that Madoff is in prison, we can use him as free prison labor to run our Treasury Department.

And why not? All Mitt Romney talked about during the 2012 elections was running the government like a business. But it’s REALLY hard to make money in a business. So instead, let’s run it like an awesome Ponzi scheme.

We’ll make money hand-over-fist and just bailout everybody involved in the recession like last time. It’s foolproof.

Secretary of Defense: One of Obama’s drones

Look, we’re already heading toward a drone-only army. Why not appoint one to run the Department of Defense? They obviously can make tactical decisions based on computer algorithms. Let’s let them run the show from now on as we rain fire down on our enemies from our flying death robots.

Also, they are armed with Hellfire missiles, which is both the coolest sounding missile in the world and also the name of my upcoming proto-industrial-grunge-metal rock band.

Attorney General: Saul Goodman

I have no real justification for this other than “Better Call Saul” is coming to television this year. Also, Saul’s complete disregard for ethics and legal behavior makes him the perfect fit for politics.

Secretary of Health and Human Services: Satan

I think by now we all know we are going to have to sell our soul to Satan to receive any kind of affordable health care. The Affordable Care Act isn’t going so well and Congress is holding up any kind of legislation that would relieve us of the burden of skyrocketing prices.

So why not quit while we’re ahead as far as legislation and collectively sell our souls to Satan for health care? I mean, how much is your everlasting soul really worth if you’re riddled with diabetes and can’t afford insulin?

Secretary of Transportation: Chris Christie

Bridgegate really showed Christie’s ability to shut down major roadways for no apparent reason other than revenge. Now a lot of people are saying Christie should be the next president, but I say hell no. He should be in charge of the roadways of the nation.

As a plus, his ability to deny any responsibility in the scandal is proof of character. Christie is just the kind of guy we need to shuck responsibility for our dilapidating infrastructure onto another office (probably those lazy workers over at the Secretary of Education’s office for some reason).

We need a man with Christie’s fortitude to not fix anything while blaming someone else. How else will anything get done in America?

Secretary of Education: Arne Duncan

Are you kidding me? Have you seen this guy ball at the NBA Celebrity All-Star game? I’ll include the highlight reel for you so you can see Arne “Literally Michael Jordan” Duncan so you can see why we need this man.

Department of Veteran Affairs: Chuck Schumer

Chuck Schumer has some cojones. In December, he said veterans needed to take a pay cut while he raked in about $117,000 a year.

That’s the kind of audacity we need to really stiff those veterans who went and fought two wars he voted for. I can’t think of a better way to repay those servicemen we tricked into fighting a fake war in Iraq than to have them come home and not give them health or educational benefits. It’s that kind of leadership we need in the Cabinet to stick it to those leeches on society known as the people fighting for our freedom.

As a bonus, Schumer never served in the military, which makes him the perfect candidate to handle all veteran’s affairs since he has literally no idea about what being a veteran is like.

The rest of the Cabinet positions: My mom’s dog, Obi

Let’s just say my mom’s dog could do every other job since I don’t have a picture of him in here yet and I know that’s all you came for.

So there you have it folks. If we fight fire with fire, we surely will be as effective as anti-child porn crusader and child porn enthusiast Patrick Rock. We can do this America, it just takes the right people in the right place at the right time.

Seth Richardson can be reached at [email protected], on Twitter @egyptianrich or by phone at 536-3311 ext.268.