I’m not kidding. Self-help books, columns and programs for living are everywhere. Wherever we turn, we find someone offering us a quick cure for the flavor-of-the-month disorder, be it depression, seasonal affective disorder or repressed childhood memories.

In virtually every women’s magazine, readers can find quizzes to help them diagnose any physical or emotional problem they may or may not have, with an accompanying article on the treatment of such problems.

Thanks to magazine quizzes, I will never need to pay a physician, therapist or dietitian.

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I have already diagnosed myself with obsessive compulsive disorder, low blood sugar, split ends, terminal P.M.S., weak nails, megalomania, acrophobia and a bad dye job.

In addition, I know that I have a Type A, concrete random (or was it abstract sequential? No matter …) personality.

Although my fantasies involving Omar Sharif and a 1972 Volvo station wagon are supposedly entirely normal, magazine psychologists warn me that I should be wary of getting involved with any older men just in case my daydreams are early indicators of a possible borderline Electra complex.

In a spirit of philanthropy, I have devised a little quiz of my own to offer guidance to bewildered DE readers everywhere.

Are you a burned-out college student? Here are eight questions to help you identify the warning signals of academic exhaustion.

Please answer all questions honestly. Use either a number-two pencil or if you can’t find one a tube of lipstick to mark your answers.

Question #1:Have you ever scrambled for pennies because you didn’t want to break a quarter?

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Question #2:Did you flunk your last poetry exam because you decided to analyze the inner meaning of the lyrics to the Gilligan’s Island theme song?

Question #3:Do you currently own any furniture constructed of empty cardboard beer cases?

Question #4:Do you consider aerosol cheese to be one of the four basic food groups?

Question #5:Have you ever planned your class schedule around episodes of Beavis and Butt-head?

Question #6:Does your method of studying for British literature tests include renting the film Monty Python and the Holy Grail?

Question #7:Does your idea of upscale dining involve installing cupholders in your car?

Question #8:Have you ever purchased replacement parts for your sandals to avoid buying new shoes?

If you answered yes to any of the preceding questions, you are definitely a burned-out college student and should call either Oprah Winfrey or an attorney to see if there is money to be made from your condition.

If you don’t get help from Geraldo, get help somewhere.