Part 3 of 7

People who know a victim of domestic violence should be understanding and non-blaming about the situation, the executive director of the Carbondale Women’s Center says.

This was just one of the tips for helping someone in an abusive relationship that was presented by Mary Kay Bachman at a free program Tuesday night at the Carbondale Public Library.

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Love Shouldn’t Hurt was the title of the presentation that is part of a continuing effort to increase community awareness about the growing number of victims of domestic violence. The program, which is part of Women’s Safety Week, was sponsored by the Jackson County Family Violence Task Force.

Bachman said one in four women will be the victim of domestic violence sometime in her life. These are the tips Bachman addressed to help domestic violence victims:Approach the situation in an understanding and non-blaming way.

Acknowledge that it is scary and difficult to talk about domestic violence.

Share information regarding domestic violence with the victim.

Support the victim of domestic violence, be a good listener and encourage her to express her hurt and anger.

Ask her if she has suffered physical harm, and go with her to the hospital if she decides to seek medical attention.

Provide available information for the woman on where to seek help or assistance.

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Inform her about legal protection available under abuse prevention laws.

Symptoms of an unhealthy relationship may include a tendency on the part of the abuser to isolate the victim.

Bachman used the example of a woman in rural Franklin County whose husband would take the phone with him every morning to work so that she would not be able to call anyone.

Figures from the Illinois Coalition Against Domestic Violence show that the majority of batterers are violent just with their wives or female partners. Five to 10 percent of batterers commit acts of physical and sexual violence against people other than their female partners.

Bachman said that when trying to understand why men batter, people often want to look for what is wrong.

Violence is a choice, Bachman said. It is a myth that battering is just a momentary loss of temper.

Bachman said many women remain in abusive relationships because they are afraid of further violence.

A study done by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence states that women who leave their batterers are at a 75-percent greater risk of being killed than those who stay.

Bachman said the reason for this is that the abuser loses control of the victim when she decides to leave, and this can cause the abuser to become even more violent.

For the relationship to be healthy, Bachman said there should be trust and support between the partners. Respect is another important aspect in maintaining a healthy relationship.

I believe violence happens because of lack of equality, Bachman said. It is about one person having control over another.

Thursday’s story is the fourth story in a seven-part series about Women’s Safety Week. The story will explore sexual assault and how it relates to women.