There often is a great deal of talk about the various inadequacies concerning Morris Library and its staff. People will complain about frivolous things, such as, This computer won’t work, or I can’t find this periodical, or the ever popular and reoccurring No one around here seems to know more about a library than my left shoe.

You rarely hear any positive things about the library or the staff.

Well, you want to know something? I work at the library, and I’m getting sick and tired of people whining about not finding any books!

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Perhaps you patrons of the library will be better served and less apt to insult our library personnel if I clear up some misconceptions about the library and our underpaid staff.

First of all, just because the computer tells you a book is available doesn’t mean that it’s available to you. It’s available to someone, somewhere, in some dimension not necessarily you in this dimension.

Morris Library is a big place, and, as we all know, things get lost in large places. So the next time you find that a book is available yet you can’t find it, and you ask a library worker where it is and we say, Get lost, you need to understand that we aren’t being rude. In actuality, we’re being quite helpful because that’s where the book is lost. That’s where you need to get to. Get lost.

Second, we aren’t computer experts. Just because we’ve been trained to help you use the computer doesn’t mean we can actually physically aid you in your quest for information.

Usually, when someone says they need help with a computer, I’ll smile, politely walk over to the computer, then squint at the screen for about 15 seconds (This is my serious look, and it often times fools the patron into thinking I give a damn).

If that doesn’t work and incidentally it has not to this date I’ll move the mouse around and start clicking on random icons.

But I’ve already tried that, the patron will whine.

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Yes, I’ll reply, but were you squinting?

If the random clicking doesn’t work, I’ll inform the patron that I need to go speak with my computer expert boss. I’ll then walk back into the private office area and drink some water while I simultaneously make up a semi-valid sounding computer problem. This way I don’t have to bug my boss.

Our modems aren’t co-facing properly with the matrix drive on the first floor, I’ll explain. Fortunately for you we have a few backup terminals on the eighth floor. You should check them out.

Thank you, you’ve been a big help, they’ll reply, hopping onto an elevator. Fortunately for me I asked you for assistance.

That may be, I’ll think to myself, but unfortunately for you the eighth floor is a figment of my imagination.

Of course, by the time they figure this out, I’m in the basement putting history books on the shelf in the wrong order.

Finally, to wrap things up, here are a few more helpful library hints, and some of them are even fairly accurate.

1.) You check all books out at the Circulation Desk on the first floor. Just because you find a book on the fourth floor doesn’t mean you check it out on the fourth floor.

2.) You cannot check out periodicals unless, of course, you hand me a $20 bill, upon which I will drop the periodical out of a third story window into your eager hands. Yes, $20 might seem expensive, but can we really put a price on knowledge?

3.) Oftentimes people forget their copy cards in the copying machine, and then they come around and ask if we have found them. Yes, we have found them and no, we aren’t giving them back to you.

4.) For the love of God and all that is holy, the library bathrooms are not to be used as rendezvous points for some misguided romantic tryst. I used to think the writing on the wall was for entertainment purposes only, until I was informed otherwise by my knowledgeable and red-headed Saluki Patrol roommate. Folks, it’s 1997, there are diseases and for God’s sake it’s a public restroom. Let’s get real.

Well, that pretty well sums up everything I know about Morris Library. I generally work in the late afternoons on Monday, Wednesday and Friday, so take my advice and schedule around.

(Editor’s Note:Josh’s column is for entertainment purposes only, and in no way expresses the views of other Morris Library staff workers).