Since it is a New Year, a great many of us have probably made a number of New Year’s resolutions. We humans are notoriously adept at fooling ourselves into thinking we can improve. After all, once the New Year begins, red meat will not look as appetizing and all of our relationships will be considerably lower maintenance, right?

In reality, the only good thing about New Year’s resolutions is that they allow us to indulge ourselves guilt free for the latter portion of December.

Humans, though noble and beautiful in our own right, are also pathetic and weak. We will try to lose weight, but most of us will fail. We will attempt to balance our check books, but the majority of us will continue to write bad checks. Why? Because we suck. And not only that, but after we fail, we feel bad about failing, which means we are bound to go out and write a bad check for a side of beef.

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However, I believe I have come up with a workable solution to this problem, and it has a great deal to do with lowering our expectations. Instead of coming up with noble and lofty goals, we should calm down and put those goals easily within reach. The following is a list of New Year’s resolutions I think we can all achieve if we really put our hearts into it.

1. Help out the local economy by charging more on your credit card. Sure, business is booming, but if we all dedicate ourselves to purchasing just one more meal a week via our magic wands, just think how much more fake money will be funneled into our community.

2. Go crazy and pay your water bill on time! Sounds wacky, but just imagine how many trees will be saved if the city does not have to mail out those zany disconnection notices.

3. Walk up to some stranger that you find physically attractive and say, Boy, I bet you’d look cool naked.’ This will bolster a sense of community and well being within the student body, and you might not even be charged with sexual harassment.

5. Start running across those pedestrian cross walks on campus. This way, we drivers will not have to slow down, and you burn four extra calories.

6. Seriously consider reading the chapter prior to the night before the test. Go for two nights before the test, then try to work up to two nights and seven hours before the test.

And that is all. More than six resolutions per year and you are setting yourself up for heartache. You can create your own, easy-to-achieve goals but remember one thing:If your goals are hard, you are probably going to fall on the floor, which is also hard, unless it is heavily carpeted.

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