Every February, my highly trained and devoted staff and I have a discussion concerning the state of contemporary popular music. As a college newspaper columnist, part of my job is to give my readers, (both of you) a highly detailed report on where the music industry is going. (Hell, from the looks of it.) So, without further ado, here is your weekly dose of fluff.

Ladies and Gentlemen of SIUC, the state of our popular music culture is FUBAR.

It is one thing to be a heroin-addicted-screaming sex pervert, like a considerable number of musicians. It is quite another, however, to be a self-proclaimed agent of the devil. Of course, the strange thing about it is, he’s been quite successful as of late, which I suppose proves that there is always room in this great country for a G-string-wearing Satanist. Or 3 Ultra-Fairies, which brings us to …

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Oh, how I would appreciate their demise. First of all, these might be the most infeminate trio of mega-trolls in existence. Second, their percussionist is a physical gradeschooler. Third, their most popular song is called Mmmmbop! We do not need this in our lives.

The best thing about The Spice Girls is they are not ours. Yes, we have Devil Man and the Chippy Boys Trio, but at least the world cannot blame us for producing this quintet of hyperactive singy dolls. Sure, they look good, and under certain circumstances and influences you can dance to their music. (I can’t personally, but some of you out there with attributes such as dexterity and sense of rhythm probably can). But let’s face it, they are not exactly contributing to the Western Canon.

Of course, neither am I, but no one has ever made the mistake of thinking I have talent.

Last week I went to a history lecture titled Peter the Great and the Westernization of Russia featuring Puff Daddy and Mace. I thought that was a bit much, and he didn’t even give me an autograph.

I believe that should take care of my Make People Angry for No Reason quota for the semester, and I will be looking forward to your questions, comments and violent threats in the weeks to come. Just remember this is a free country, and you have the right to listen to whatever you want. Unfortunately, I have the right to call you a twit for doing so.