Perhaps if we had caught it earlier. Before the sporadic and unforeseen outbreaks. Prior to the slight glitches that cause mass inflation. Before the damn things had a time to become popular enough to merit generic plush toy copy cats. I am speaking, of course, of the ever increasing Beanie Baby saga.

Now, you’re probably thinking, Why is this half wit writing about Beanie Babies, an obvious childhood phenomena that should only concern stressed-out parents when he should be using his valuable column space to discuss viable collegiate topics such as his roommate’s post-spring break withdrawal symptoms.’ Well, I’ll tell you why. We’re the only ones that are cynical enough to stop this madness.

The thing about American cultural fads is that they always start with our youth, and the younger the youth, the quicker the spread of the fad. Take the Tickle Me Elmo Epidemic of ’96. This cultural monstrosity obviously originated within the bowels of our nation’s toddlerdom, yet it grew to such outrageous proportions that grown ups were utilizing very adulterated methods in order to either cash in on the craze, or to simply purchase the doll itself. Dolls were being bought and sold for close to a thousand dollars, discount store workers were hiding the things in the back so they could purchase the doll later on. Folks, people were hurt. And it’s happening again.

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Personally I didn’t realize how bad it had become until this weekend, when I was visiting on old high school chum. A heterosexual male with a long history of living a Playboy-type existence, this good friend of mine had purchased not only dozens of tiny plush bean filled dolls, some of them worth a hundred dollars a head, but had also bought or himself designed a handsome display case for these toys.

I was taken aback. Instead of trying to offer me a genuine, face saving excuse for this remarkable oddity, he pointed to a unicorn with divergent colored eyes.

The Pegasus is worth $500 because one eye is made of crystallized sticky tack. I nabbed it from the dashboard of an elderly lady’s Lincoln. She started hollering something about her blind grandson, but in this scenario, I think I’m in the right. With the way this market is going, I can sell that flying horse in 15 months and move to the Keys. What was she going to do with it anyway? It’s not like the kid was going to appreciate the aesthetic quality of the damn thing anyway, right?

Exactly, I replied, taking a few steps back while shielding my eyes from the incoming Providence induced lightning bolt.

So, Beanie Babies, innocent childhood collectible, or plushy hellspawn? The way I see it, it’s really just another example of American affluence run amok. People in Baghdad don’t have this problem.

American:So, have you found Timmy Tiger No. 3 with the off centered birthmark on his tail?

Iraqi:No, I’m still looking for Penicillin No. 1 with the carry along syringe.

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(My editors said I needed to start being more political and relevant, among other things.)

Just say no to this latest youth-induced fad. Especially if you plan on having children some day while simultaneously being able to afford a car payment.