Spring Break is quickly approaching, and a great many of you will be going to Florida or some other extremely fun place to enjoy your week away from responsibility. Because of life scheduling discrepancies, I won’t be going anywhere this year, but I do sincerely hope those of you that are going will enjoy your sun-filled, seven-day adventure. To show how much I hope you have a good time, I have compiled a short list of suggestions that could make your vacation a more pleasant and safer experience.

1. If you wake up in a bathtub filled with ice with staples in your gut, do not head to the beach for a morning sprint, as there is an off chance that someone had borrowed one of your semi-vital internal organs. Stay calm and call 911, explaining to them that you need an ambulance and possibly a liver or kidney, depending on the market. Immediately look for your wallet.

2. Don’t plan on sleeping. First of all, if you’re living anywhere near a beach, sand will become a permanent fixture in your life by Sunday afternoon, which makes for uncomfortable sleeping conditions. Also, you’ll probably be sharing the room with numerous others, who will not conform to your specific sleeping patterns. One roommate will stumble into the room at 5 a.m. and use your head for a urinal (Seth), while another will wake two hours later to begin the day’s festivities and will make certain that everyone else joins him so as to avoid wasting good daylight’ (Bret).

Advertisement

3. If you wake up in a stranger’s car miles away from your hotel without any shoes on, don’t panic. Calmly step from the car and walk to your hotel in your socks. Your shoes are gone, but you should immediately look for your wallet.

4. Do not bark at anyone larger than you. (I think this is one we should remember wherever we are, eh?)

5. If you’re going to make an ass out of yourself by dancing with a stranger, make certain that it’s the most attractive person in the bar. This way, later on, you can say something along the lines of I had beer poured on my head by the most attractive person in the bar!’ Then, immediately look for your wallet.

6. You can survive by eating mustard sandwiches for roughly 72 hours before inflicting severe psychological damage. After the 72 hour point, you’ll begin to think your behavior socially acceptable, and will start to make fun of people that put fancy things on their sandwiches like meats and, or cheeses.

7. If somebody comes up to you and asks if you want to be on TV, the correct answer is no. I once spent three hours in line waiting to get the back of my head on some MTV game show.

In conclusion, enjoy your spring break. It might be the last time in your life you get to have fun that you don’t particularly deserve.