Socrates and Spring break

By Gus Bode

A Tout Le Monde

What are you still doing here? As you’re reading this, Casey’s, which just raised prices to $5 a gallon, is almost out of go-juice, and Godzilla and Mothra are readying their leg muscles for the opening kickoff of highway reconstruction season. If you don’t leave now you’ll never get out of here! Still here, eh? Maybe a history lesson will help time pass?

There once lived a man named Socrates who spread his wisdom throughout the masses much like sand on a beach. One sunny day, frustrated with that hack-wit named Plato, and in need of a serious farmer’s tan, the wise philosopher decided to take a road trip to Carbondale to visit his favorite pupil, Dave the Great.


Thirsty from his travels, Socrates sought the Student Center in hopes to trade some wisdom for 16 ounces of that Dew that comes from mountains. It was either the doing of the springtime air or the Horny Goat Weed offered by the evil credit card people, because he couldn’t help but notice that many of the young SIU students seemed particularly frolicsome.

All of sudden WAMMM! Thump Thump. A bike cop in hot pursuit of a female suspect wearing a pair of short shorts wickedly mowed down the silver-haired prophet. Luckily, a Britney Spears look-a-like was able to revive the old man with a little tongue-to-tongue resuscitation. Socrates now understood why the students were acting so peculiar and knew exactly what to do. The students, or dawgs in heat, had been locked away in this impenetrable dawg pound for so long and desperately needed to be turned loose to breed.

Translation:Give the students a week off to satisfy any ingrained urges that have been festering their thoughts throughout the chilly semester. After all, he was Socrates, and could do whatever he wanted.

And so news of an assembly was written in colorful chalk on all sidewalks, dormitories and apartment buildings. Loyal philosophy students posted flyers in close proximity to all urinals, tampon machines and free condom displays. You know, the places where people really take notice.

Finally, the much-anticipated day arrived. As Socrates began to unravel a fiery scroll that mocked the length of his unchallenged beard, eager SIU students began to beat the crap out of each other. Not knowing what to make of the flames and the long-haired guy, they immediately assumed that Socrates was an opening act for a thrashing heavy metal band. Maybe next time he’ll think twice before hosting an important speech at the Copper Dragon? Needless to say, all hell broke loose as ancient jaws parted and these words fell out.

Spring Break Decree No. 1

Thou shalt not take the name of Spring Break, your master, in vain. Speak only with reverence about Spring Break, be faithful to your vows to cause total chaos and party on dudes.


Sins against this degree include wishing bodily harm on fellow Spring Breakers because you couldn’t close the deal with an already half-naked hottie; not holding the steering wheel while your intoxicated friend lights a doobie; failure to help inebriated people cross the street; refusing to hold back the hair of fair maidens as they pray to the porcelain god and blasphemy (showing contempt for Spring Break).

Spring Break Decree No. 2

Thou shalt not depants thy friends. Though this may seem like a good idea, it’s a sure way to get a beer bottle in the back of the head and possibly urinated on in your sleep. Here’s an ounce of prevention:paper clip your swim trunks to your naval hair. I mean, you don’t want to look stupid.

Spring Break Decree No. 3

Thou shalt not steal thy friend’s hunnies. Respect the earnings of others, stick to a pre-defined game plan, and make payment when pay is owed. Temptation takes on many forms. The juices of these forbidden fruits have caused many friendships to sour, so don’t do it.

Spring Break Decree No. 4

Remember Fat Tuesday and keep it sacred. Put time aside to enjoy Mardi Gras-like festivities and go dance in the streets. Working on this day is a sin in the purest sense of the word because it’s the last opportunity for revelry and indulgence before it’s back to sharpening the ax.

Spring Break Decree No. 5

Thou shalt not be a snitch. The price paid for broken silence is a larynx; what happens during Spring Break stays with Spring Break. Period.

See ya out there.

A Tout Le Monde appears every other Friday. Dave is a junior in automotive. His views do not necessarily reflect those of the Daily Egyptian.