My mom’s dog is a clever fellow. When we’re playing tug-of-war, I always win because he is the size of my boot. So he acts uninterested and downright derpy until I drop the toy.

But then he scurries over in a quick sneak attack while I’m not looking and reclaims his prize. It’s fairly ingenious considering he doesn’t even have a frontal lobe in his brain.

What does this have to do with anything? Because this is what Putin is doing to the world as we speak.

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Everyone is laughing at the Sochi Olympics right now. The facilities are subpar, the water is contaminated and they may have video of journalists in the bathroom.

But I’m convinced this is all part of Putin’s master plan.

Putin was a lieutenant colonel in the KGB before serving as Prime Minister of Russia from 1999 to 2000. He then became the President of Russia from 2000 to 2008, which is kind of an oxymoron when you think about it.

He took a break in between to serve as Prime Minister again before returning to the presidency in 2012.

Putin developed a macho man reputation and showed it this year by passing strict anti-gay laws.

But this is all part of his plan.

There’s an old Chinese story about a general who saved a village. The village was woefully unprepared for an attack by an invading army. As the invaders advanced, the general decided to use trickery instead of sacrificing his army and the village.

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He went out into the middle of the town and began playing an instrument looking like a fool. The invaders thought it was some sort of trick and backed off.

Probably something like this.

That’s what Putin is doing with the Olympics and the anti-gay laws. He’s distracting us from his master plan to finally take over the world for glorious mother country Russia. That has to be the answer. No country deemed a world power would so epically screw up the OLYMPICS like he has otherwise.

It’s the showcase event of the world. Countries show off how advanced they are and how nice their country looks. Meanwhile Comrade Putin is having people spray paint the dead grass green.

He wouldn’t put the world’s top athletes and reporters in shoddy hotels… unless it’s a trap. He thinks the world will stop taking him seriously so he can launch a sneak attack while our guard is down and spread his faux-democracy a.k.a. government of glorious mother country around the world, initiating 1000 years of darkness until a true heir to the throne comes… wait, I think I’m thinking of what Chuck Norris said about Obama.

But the point remains. We’re onto you Putin. Your sneaky tricks and surprise Russian bear attacks won’t take down America.