There is a danger lurking in the shadows, a killer hidden right under our noses. This network of bloodthirsty individuals will stop at nothing until they destroy our way of life.

Who am I talking about, you say? Terrorists?

Worse.

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Gay people getting married?

My mom’s puppy who can’t learn some damn manners?

No, I’m talking about an even worse threat to Americans: toddlers.

That’s right, America, we need to nip this threat in the bud while we have the chance.

Among the list of things that kill people annually, heart disease, automobile accidents, malnutrition, toxoplasmosis, doctor prescribed medication, lightning strikes, deer, police officers and bathtubs all rank higher than terrorists.

Also on that list are the terrible twos. According to the Jewish Daily Forward, through May terrorists killed three people last year to toddlers’ five.

And what’s even worse is they are organizing and creating what is akin to toddler sleeper cells. That’s right parents, you may think your child is going to Gymboree, but you know who else had monkey bars? Al-Qaeda.

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Just last year a mere six days before the Boston Marathon Bombings, a toddler network in synchronized attacks killed three people. They have tasted blood, and are showing no signs of stopping. Take this toddler who opened fire on his father.

Did you see the dead look in that toddler’s eyes as he tried to end his father? Despicable and downright criminal.

I think we can learn from how we handled terrorists after 9/11 because we need to quell this uprising for several reasons.

First and foremost, they don’t even speak the language. It’s ridiculous. In their bid to “assimilate” with Americans to form more sleeper cells, they have failed to grasp English at even a base level.

I mean that’s just offensive.

Second, we need to implement random security checks at weak points in the country. Namely pre-schools, daycare, the petting zoo, Chuck E. Cheese and apparently the movie theater every time I want to see a movie on a Friday night at 9:30 for some reason. These security checkpoints should check “suspicious individuals” for contraband like weapons, large sums of money and to see who’s a big boy.

(There’s been recent talk of infighting in Al-Naptime)

We also need to curb their weapons program. These toddlers are capable of releasing sound-related attacks of up to 110 decibels. That can cause some serious tinnitus.

(This guy has more WMDs than Saddam)

And finally, be vigilant America. You know what your average toddler looks like. You can pick him out in a crowd. They dress a particular way, have a particular accent, keep their hair a certain way and can be seen at the same hangouts. If you see a “suspicious individual,” report him to your authorities. He may end up in time out without a trial, but it’s the price we pay to keep America safe.

We can do this America. We can take out this threat before any more blood is shed on American soil. And all it takes is for you to give up some basic fundamental rights, allow the government to monitor your each and every move and submit to the authorities whenever necessary. Ah, America.