Drugs are bad. There’s really no way around the argument. They can make you lazy, addictive, unreliable and just an all-around jerk.

Who knew Mr. Mackey was right?

Advertisement

But here’s the thing: it’s a health problem, not a criminal problem. Yes, I know drugs create drug-related crimes like drive-bys and whatnot, but that’s only because it’s criminal to sell drugs. Like a vicious cycle or a Mobius strip made out of bullets.

Recently, a Louisiana man was sentenced to 13.3 years in a penitentiary for the equivalent of two joints. That’s the equivalent of one session if you ask Sublime.

That got me thinking: are two joints really worth more than 13 years in prison? Probably not. But if they are, then I have a list of things way worse than two joints and could easily merit taking 15 percent or more of someone’s life away.

Taking up two spaces in the parking lot, Punishment: 15 years

You know who you are. You’re that guy who drives a Mustang and actually thinks a Mustang is cool even though it’s closer to Steve Baldwin than Steve McQueen.

The dreaded double-parker. I’ll bet just the sight of this guy raises your blood pressure significantly and gives you a blaring headache, both symptoms more dangerous than anything marijuana does.

Advertisement*

After all, marijuana is a victimless crime. But double-parking? Now THERE’S a victim. That poor mother who has to drive around the parking lot looking for a new space on Black Friday with her bratty kids in the car because she decided she wanted to be a family person and they bring her all the joy in the world even though she drinks two gallons of wine a day just to numb the pain she feels from their incessant screaming. Look what you’ve done, double-parker.

We’ve got a victim. We’ve got health problems. Looks like an open and shut case. Take them away Johnny Law.

Playing your music out of your phone in a public place, Punishment: 10 years

I’m taking this down a little bit because some people have some serious jams that I’m all about.

But for the most part, I don’t care what Chief Keef or Journey or the Biebs has to say when they’re on the radio, let alone when I’m waiting at the DMV.

Yeah we get it. The small-town girl meets the Detroit runaway and you have a reason to sing out of key during last call at the bar. Let’s keep it that way and not in line for the grocery store check out.

It would be different if you had some musical talent. Like you wanted to belt “Respect” out of the top of your lungs and actually had talent. But you don’t. Unless you can find a bluegrass band to play live in the hallway with you while you sing, shut up or face the pokey.

Not dressing your toy dog up in an outfit, Punishment: 20 years

Toy dogs are good for literally nothing. They don’t add to the breed and yip like everything is the devil no matter how many times they’ve met Andrew coming in the door. They’re wretched, foul creatures who should’ve been done in by evolution millennia ago.

But hey, I’m a pragmatic and caring guy. I understand it’s not the dogs’ fault. They didn’t choose this fate. Their owners did.

Their owners are the ones who get them groomed for $1000. Their owners are the ones who leave their multimillion-dollar estate to them in the biggest “Screw the Poor” chant I’ve ever heard. Their owners carry them around in those stupid bags and think it’s trendy.

So as a middle-ground, small dogs should be required to wear funny outfits at all times unless in the privacy of one’s home.

I mean for real, look at this.

Or this.

No, how about this?

Exactly. For those short moments, you forgot that those dogs are all loud and rambunctious and thought, “Dude, did you see that corgi in a hot dog outfit?”

And it’s only fair. If society is going to put up with an ill like small dogs while trying to get rid of pit bulls, then toy dogs should have to dress like jackasses to appease the rest of us.

Talking in the movie theater, Punishment: Life without parole

The cardinal sin. You’ve just paid $19.00 for tickets for you and your date to see “Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit,” $13.00 for a popcorn and soda and another $4.50 for Junior Mints because your date said it was wrong to sneak in candy.

You get inside the theater, comfortably arrange yourself in your seat, get your arm around the girl because you’re smooth like that and what happens?

This person.

Look, I’m sure whatever Darryl has to say is REALLY important, but so is Jack Ryan. And my date. And popcorn. Actually, literally everything Darryl has to say for the next two-and-a-half hours is woefully unimportant.

And here, we have the most tragic victim of all. The rest on this list probably don’t qualify for a lawsuit. But there are actual monetary damages here. Not to mention the punitive damages from pissing off my date.

So there you have it. A short list of things that should get you as much jail time as marijuana.

Or we could just legalize it and rake in millions of dollars.

Seth Richardson can be reached at [email protected] or on Twitter @EgyptianRich.