I’ve never won anything. Not a three-legged horserace (although my partner’s a loser, too), not a tortilla tossing tournament and especially not a hot dog-eating hoedown.

But that doesn’t matter. I still rule.

How, you ask? Here’s how:superior attitude and superior state of mind – words stolen from Steven Seagal. Never before has the pony-tailed and not-so-svelte assassin been quite so prophetic. Who cares if you win? What’s really worth winning anyway?

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I’m already a winner – and I know it. Ask my mom.

Look at the list of supposed “winners” from this year. Who cares about Hilary Swank and Cate Blanchett anyway? Sure, they’re nice to look at and they’ve won some nice awards, but there are two others who are the real winners.

First is Barry Bonds. He will most likely be my first child’s godfather. Why? Not because he wins, but because he does it without cheating and is always so nice to everyone. Second is Kobe Bryant. He will, I hope, take my daughter to her first prom. Why? Not because he committed adultery, but because he bought his wife such a nice ring to make up for it.

I look at these guys and I think, “Why does winning matter again?” You would be wise to do the same. Oh, and by the way, winning rules! Did I mention winning rules? That’s right, I did. Oh, and it’s also better if you crush as many people as you can in order to do it.