Nut up and shut up: Quietest ways to have sex in the dorms

By Gus Bode

Editor’s note: The following piece contains content of sexual nature that some readers may find offensive. Reader discretion is advised.

Listen here, while you might feel great about the amount of love you’re making as a freshman or how head-over-heels you are, most of the time your suitemates don’t want to know about it with your moans through the wall.

As an important tip for any persons having sex in the dorms, let your roommate know and lock your door immediately. The rest of the list is to help you avoid the RA knocking or a noise complaint the next day.

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This article completely excludes masturbation. No one wants to read about how they can hide their loneliness even more. But as a general tip, don’t use the shower–other people need to stand in that naked too.

Manual? Stick shift? Touchpad? What’s the professional term for a handy?

Let’s get the cop-out answers out of the way first. If you’re just starting the night or starting to have any sex in general, this is a low-pressure entry point since there’s not really an actual entry point used.

You’re probably going to be shifting into high gear by the end, so take off any bracelets or any other apparel that’d make it sound like an overused vending machine.

There’s way less movement than other methods, so if you’re in bed it’s not going to squeak as much as any other way. It does vary from person to person, but for the sake of everyone on the floor, don’t use “the squeaky wheel gets the grease” as a euphemism.

Oral: Dining in and eating out

Depending on how much of a mess you want to make or how drunk you might be, dining in for eating out can be loud, but on the whole you’re still making less noise than the standard meat and potatoes.

Same as the previous item on the menu, there’s just so much less required movement. Sometimes you might be trying to move more, but just remember every gender has teeth- and you’d have to be a robot not to react to a mistake.

If you’re getting too aggressive, someone’s going to think you’re choking- and even if that’s intentional, don’t cause a suitemate in the bathroom a panic.

Being self-aware for once

This’ll come as no surprise to anyone courteous or self-conscious enough to realize that unless there’s a weird perv on your floor, no one cares about your sex life and they actively don’t want to know about it either.

Just keep in mind the time of day, who’s around at what times, when is your roommate done with class, how obnoxious are your suitemates and as into the moment as you feel, no one finds your grunts as sexy as you do.

We’d insert more tips if we thought they’d help, but honestly we think the people who need to read this are already doing the same with a partner.

Staff sexpert Gus Bode can be reached at [email protected].

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