There’s been a lot of commotion regarding the appointment of SIU’s newest president Randy Dunn. An aura of secrecy and general unknowing clouds the air right now. People are asking how the process works and what went on in the meeting.

Well I’m here to break the silence. I was actually, literally, truthfully, 100 percent, no questions about it in the board meeting for the entire ordeal and let me tell you, it’s a rock-solid process.

I’m what professionals refer to as a “medium” and real people refer to as “possibly psychotic.”

I moderate the meetings and connect the board with the other side so we know who to select based on both living and interdimensional beings.

We start every meeting by offering sacrifice to the deity Saraswati, the Hindu goddess of knowledge. If you were wondering why SIU’s enrollment has plummeted in recent years, you now have your answer.

After the sacrifice, we start with roll call. Roll call consists of saying present when your name is called.

Then we arrange ourselves into a Salukigram. It’s similar to a pentagram, but we don’t want to summon Satan because the last time we summoned him to a meeting he insisted we split the deal after he ordered filet mignon and I only had a salad.

Gray Dawg and Brown Dawg do a short dance to ward off spirits that might clog my psychic channels.

That’s where I come in. After the board makes a recommendation, I channel the other side, including past presidents, to get their take. This is a solid way for the university to choose an appropriate president and increase interdimensional relationships for future interdimensional students.

This year Dr. Randy Dunn was selected based on both his merits that I really know nothing about and the advice of beings straight out of Ghostbusters have for him, also known as a “presidential search advisory committee.”

We began the initiation process immediately.

We surrounded Dunn in full druid garb while chanting the song of our elders.

(More occult stuff)

Dunn had to show he was capable of enduring the pain that comes with being a Saluki. We did this via time-old tradition passed along through the generations. Here is a reenactment of it.

He also had to promise to not tell his current employers or we wouldn’t let him in our club because our club is secret and you have to have a password to get into the clubhouse and we don’t want some Penguin knowing the password to our sweet Saluki clubhouse.

And voila! That’s how we picked the president of SIU.