WANTED:Professional athlete to be hero/role model for the youth of today. Duties include being placed on a pedestal and facing constant media scrutiny of private/public life. Salary negotiable. Apply in person.

This is obviously a phony newspaper ad, but it raises an interesting question. Do we still have heroes in sports, or are there even any left?

I mean, I couldn’t believe how many people hovered around the new’ Mike Tyson, shelling out $50 to watch him pound the hell out of Peter McNeely in less than 2 minutes.

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Tyson here’s a guy to look up to. A self-admitted wife-beater and ex-convict. Just who I’d want my kids looking up to. Sorry, Mike I can’t hire you.

Don’t get me wrong, no one is perfect … but just who is out there that is qualified for the position? Let’s see who’s out in the waiting area:Shaquille O’Neal:On the plus side, he’s as nice a guy as they come in the game of basketball, and on the court he’s one of the best. Unfortunately, he’s young and has only three years experience. Come back in a few years, Shaq. I may have an opening in a couple of years.

Charles Barkley:What’s he doing here? I thought he said he wasn’t a role model. Must be looking for campaign contributions for his run for governor of Alabama. Sorry Charlie.

Pete Rose:If it weren’t for the tax evasion thing, he would be just about perfect gave 110% every day and took a limited amount of talent and turned himself into baseball’s all-time hit leader. Pete … you lost out by a nose.

Steve Howe:Call security. Anyone who violates the major-league drug policy as many times as he has doesn’t deserve any job much less this one. Get him out of here.

Deion Sanders:This is a tough call. He’s versatile he plays baseball, he plays football, he’s a rapper (from what I hear) but he isn’t much of a team player. This is a guy who doesn’t even have a football team to play for, and he’s said he doesn’t like to tackle people. I thought tackling was a big part of the game, Deion. It’s been a pleasure Prime Time.

I’ve narrowed things down, and I have decided that there are three athletes worthy of adding to the hero staff:1. Michael Jordan:Sure, he retired early, but he saw the error of his ways and has returned. And yeah, he gambles but life’s a gamble, isn’t it? He’s weathered the worst the press could give him and he’s still standing.

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2. Monica Seles:She literally gets stabbed in the back, takes a two-year leave of absence, comes back and wins the first tournament she enters. The difference between her and Tyson is she was the victim of a crime, not the perpetrator (plus, she seems much more pleasant).

3. Cal Ripken, Jr.:The most qualified candidate of the bunch. He hasn’t missed a day in over 10 years in a sport where a hangnail puts you on the 21-day disabled list. He’s a team player who plays for the love of the game instead of holding out for a better deal. I couldn’t ask for a more professional athlete.

Whew … now that this decision has been made, another generation is safe to look up to athletes once again.