With the World Series going on, the NFL season in full swing and the NBA starting up, I suppose now is as good a time as any to address what I believe is a genuine problem in the American cultural scene. That is the growing popularity of a number of anti-sports.

I realize that I’m placing a price on my head on this one, but the fact is that auto racing is not nor will it ever be a sport. I’m not exactly sure how to break this to all of you racing fans out there, but no matter how you look at it, they’re driving a car.

Yes, the car is going insanely fast and drivers are placing their lives at risk, but they’re still just driving a car. Besides, it’s just as exciting for my passengers when I drive and there’s all sorts of lives at risk in that case. You don’t see me getting sponsored by every corporate megalith in America.

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Also how the hell do people find auto racing entertaining? Here is an example of what auto racing audiences get to look forward to:NASCAR ANNOUNCER ONE:Well Hank, they’ve just made the 258th lap, and Petty is still in the lead. What’s your prognosis?

NASCAR ANNOUNCER TWO:I don’t know, Frank, but I tell you what, this is one exciting race. Hey! Look! Here they come again!!

NASCAR ANNOUNCER ONE:Wow! You couldn’t have predicted that one!

The second anti-sport of the day (the one that will probably be the official game of planet Earth after we all get conquered by the European community) is soccer or as they call it across the pond, the Real Boring Football.

Soccer is gaining popularity in America for some reason, especially among the very young of our population. The reason behind this surge in popularity, I assume, is fairly intricate.

For one reason, 6-year-olds have enough energy inside of them to fuel a small star system. Obviously, soccer is the perfect sport for children because you never, ever, under any circumstance save nuclear war, stop running as fast as you can while playing the game. Plus, your only true objective is to kick the spotted ball. I’m not entirely sure if coaches even tell the kids that they’re trying to eventually kick the ball into a net from the soccer games I’ve seen, the scores are generally something like 1 to 0. And that’s usually only because the goalie was paid off by the other team in candy.

Auto racing and soccer. Two anti-sports that continue to steal precious advertising space from the real American sports of baseball, football, and basketball.

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Baseball is the quintessential American sport because you don’t really have to be an athlete to play it. It’s a slow, laid-back sort of game where the majority of the players are either sitting down or just sort of standing around waiting for something to happen. And there’s only two guys actually doing any work. I think this is a fairly accurate analogy for the American work force. Out of nine people, you figure there’s two guys working hard while the other seven just stand there. The only time they look like they’re busy is when the boss is coming their way.

Football is a real American sport because it has both sex and violence. The cheerleaders who insist on wearing little more than underwear regardless of how cold it is always are present to give us the sex part. Football players are always maiming each other giving us the violence part. Plus, football reminds us of war, which is just one of America’s many talents.

Basketball is another real American sport because all you need to play the game is a basketball and a hoop, and you can have fun even if there’s no one else around. Americans are rugged individualists, and at times we need to be by ourselves. (Yeah, I pulled that one out of you-know-where.)

But just because I don’t think auto racing is a sport and I feel that soccer is best suited for kindergartners on speed, doesn’t mean that you should stop watching races or kicking that bizarre looking ball. Being American is about making choices for yourself, and not taking the advice of dimwits like myself. Just do look out for my unsponsored car.