I don’t know why all universities have an obnoxious number of squirrels. But I do know out why all of these squirrels are obese creatures the chubby mammals are as large as they are by the hands of SIUC students.

Growing up in Steeleville, where we have more churches than bars, I have seen many fierce and malnourished squirrels. Not on campus, though. Here they are thick-bodied chunks who have become dependent on Snickers bars and Wonder Bread.

Once I saw a girl near Greek Row reaching down to feed an already overweight squirrel. She was feeding it bread right from the sack. Then I saw a guy feeding a Snickers bar to what appeared to be a small brown dog. Alas, it was a campus squirrel.

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Steeleville squirrels are shy, vicious little ghosts. If a Steeleville squirrel so much as picks up your scent, it scurries away at the speed of sound with a nut in its mouth. Often you can see a squirrel crawling on a tree branch with a crazy look in its eyes. These insane Steeleville squirrels have no safe haven or Snickers bars to eat.

Campus squirrels do not have to dodge rifle fire all year-round and fiercely compete for nuts like all the other normal squirrels. Life is never fair for squirrels, but it seems that the campus squirrel lives the life of a mammal king.

Long live the campus squirrel the elite, furry predator of Snickers bars and Wonder Bread.