With the New Year coming up, some of us are thinking about ways we can improve ourselves. Perhaps 1998 will be the year that we finally get in shape, or stop smoking, or make a commitment to enrich the lives of those around us in little ways (I got that one from a car commercial).

Regardless, I sincerely doubt I will be changing anything, as I suffer from a potentially life-threatening passivity. And I also happen to be fairly content with myself, which is truly sad. However, I am never one to accept other people’s inadequacies, always being prepared to offer my advice to my fellow man as to how they can improve themselves or perhaps how they can simply please not use 72 different coupons to save $1.65 while I’m standing behind them in line.

Having spent the last 3 1/2 years of my life being educated here at SIUC, I have witnessed the behavior of a vast array of professors. Some professors have been quite good, and I can honestly say that their classes were both informative and enjoyable experiences. Then there are the other guys, the ones who made me seriously consider becoming a professor myself since it was obvious that nothing was keeping this person from being grossly unqualified and disturbingly unconcerned.

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But instead of slandering these individuals who have spent a good percentage of their lives becoming more and more informed about less and less, I think it better suits my personality to offer them some free advice as to how they can improve their job performance.

1.) Contrary to popular opinion, your personal life is not that interesting. Keep in mind that your audience is made up mostly by a generation so apathetic that we have done nothing to address the situation concerning our impending lack of social security once we are forced to retire at the age of 89. Most of us are not even interested in voting, so we certainly are not interested in your son’s recent skiing excursion.

2.) The policy of basing any sort of assessment on our attendance absolutely reeks of nonsense. Yes, we know that we should go to class. But if we can achieve a desired grade by only going once a week, why should our lack of attendance be of any concern? Your job is to research your specific field of expertise and teach us to the best of your ability. It is not to demand an audience every time you open your mouth. We appreciate your concern for our performance, as we are well aware that playing hooky is detrimental to that performance. Nonetheless, we are old enough to drive, vote and go to war. Considering this, I think we are responsible enough to decide if we’re going to skip English 101 or not. We’ll accept the indirect consequences for our lack of attendance. It isn’t fair, though, that part of your assessment tool is actually based on whether or not we show up.

3. Please speak clearly. It is all well and good that you have come to this school to grace us with your knowledge but damn it, when we’re paying hundreds of dollars to learn from your expertise, the last thing we should be concerned about is what the hell it was that you just said. Most of us admire your willingness to share your learning. It is not fair, though, to have to strain our ears to understand what you’re saying.

4.) Keep in mind that most of us do not share your appreciation for the asexual reproduction of gymnosperms. Or the plight of peasants in 15th century Portugal. Or the viscosity of water-based fluids within a vacuum. In all honesty, you might very well be the only person on the planet who even is remotely interested in the subject you are teaching. So please do not take it personally when we do not get excited about tomorrow’s lecture on State Mandated Curriculum Assessment.

There is more but I am out of room and I would also like to graduate. Please keep in mind that chances are I a, not talking about you. Most of the professors I have had were experienced, knowledgeable and truly compassionate people that cared for the well being of their students.

It is the rest of the lot who are a true inspiration to slackers such as myself.

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