Ah, yes, Valentine’s Day, the holiday of love and stuff Created to honor the memory of St. Valentine, the patron saint of Victoria’s Secret Catalogs. The holiday of One-rose-won’t-be-cutting-it-sir-might-we-interest-you-in-our-fresh-bouquet-of-rare-diamond-rings-with-ambiguous-meaning.

Yes indeed, Valentine’s Day and all of the relationship voodoo that goes along with it can be one tough sonofagun to figure out. Life is hard, relationships with fellow human beings are borderline impossible to sustain without the aid of fairly strong sedatives, and this entire Valentine bit really throws a wrench into the proverbial universal machine of being. (I have no idea what I just said.)

Fortunately, I am here to help. Now, I know what you are thinking, Mr. Robison, you are a sincere dimwit, and I am personally more apt to cover my room with Michael Jackson posters than I am to listen to one iota of advice that you might be so foolishly arrogant to offer me.

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I can understand this. I generally have no idea what I am talking about, but this time I think I might. I have been in a number of relationships. Some lasted more than a quarter decade though others ended five minutes into the conversation when she realized I was that jerk from the paper. I know what I am talking about. Plus, I can lie really good (well).

First of all, let’s discuss the flower scenario. Some guys are not into flowers, which is silly. Flowers are the ultimate Get-out-of-the-doghouse-free’ ticket. They are like kryptonite to an angry woman. You can dance naked with her mother in the street, and if you bring flowers the next day you have won the argument. You will still have issues, but at least you will not be dodging steak knives. The secret is to avoid consistency. As soon as she starts to expect a flower, the power is practically gone. Sporadicity is the key even if it is not a real word.

Also, you must remember dates. A guy would forget his own birthday if it was not on his driver’s license. Girls can remember the exact date of every mundane bit of trivia that has ever happened to them in their entire lives. They might not know who was President during World War II (Franklin Roosevelt), but you can bet they know the exact date you first told them they had nice legs (August 28, 1997). An example of a typical conversation:Her:Well, does this song remind you of anything?

Her:This song was playing at the dentist’s office that time you drove me there to get my wisdom teeth cut out. When I was on the morphine, I told you I wanted to name our first boy Squirrely. Don’t you remember anything?

You:Yeah, I do. I was just seeing if you remembered.

There’s more but I have been cut down to 500 words . So, just remember, flowers and dates, dates and flowers that and foot speed.