With graduation just a bit more than a month away, numerous graduating seniors are undoubtedly asking themselves the same question, Man, I don’t know anything about the contemporary world.’ Which is why I’m here, to give that Soon-to-be-a-member-of-the-real-world’ individual a brief and disturbingly inaccurate primer on what the world looks like now that the ’80s are almost over.

1) The U.S.S.R. For starters, it no longer exists. It’s called Russia now, but it’s still cold and filled with nuclear missiles. The difference is, the missiles are no longer pointed at us, until, of course, they are sold to a Third World nation at a discount price. The leader of Russia is a rotund fellow by the name of Yeltsin, who was so drunk Monday he fired his entire government and replaced them with The Spice Girls, which brings us to

2) Great Britain Still an island, still speaking a bit of English, about the only nation on the planet that still likes us, proven a month ago when they offered to help us bomb Iraq, which brings us to, of course

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3) Saddam Hussein Imagine if Cobra Commander grew a mustache and was in charge of a Middle East nation, this is what you get. He murders his own son-in-law, uses his citizens for target practice and has enough biological weaponry to kill every person on the planet, yet thinks we’re the asses because we want to snoop around his palaces looking for bombs. He’s not friends with

4. Bill Clinton U.S. president/mega pimp. He allegedly has numerous extramarital affairs, allegedly lies about it, then allegedly pulls a kick-ass popularity rating from his rear end. He can’t be stopped by conventional methods, which brings us to

5. The U.S. Economy We’re experiencing the greatest peacetime economic growth of all time. Gas, if you consider inflation, has never been cheaper, and we’re looking at the finest job market in three decades. In other words, you have no excuse, which brings us to

6. Cuba – Still only miles from Florida, still communist, still smoking. Fidel Castro, who was the leader of the tiny island nation when we still had the other gigolo in the White House, won’t give up, which leads us to

7. Red China The last communist superpower in the world, the largest nation in the world, the biggest organized body of jerks in the world. We have no problem with their crowded citizenry, but their government leaves much to be desired, what with their nuclear capabilities and human rights violations. Bringing us to

8. Tibet – You can’t be cool unless you feel sorry for the Tibetan people, especially the Buddhist monks. If you can, try to get your picture taken with the Dalai Lama, or possibly . . .

9. The Pope John Paul II Still the leader of the Catholic Church, still the largest organized religion in the world, still against contraception, which goes along with it still being the largest organized religion in the world.

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And that’s about all you need to know except that the Canadians cannot be trusted, and a fatally large asteroid is hurtling toward Earth.