Well, you know what? Nobody’s talking about the positive sides of human cloning. They’re just talking about giving schools more money. “Think of the children!” they’ll shout. Well you know what I think? Screw the children! I want a clone.

The thought crossed my dark, twisted mind that having a clone would be incredibly beneficial. With all the possibilities of a clone racing through the charcoal catacombs of my brain, I giggle like a 10-year-old Japanese school girl at a Michael Jackson concert.

Now the clone, of course, would have to look just like me. By the time it reaches its early 20s and looks like me, I’ll still look the same – I’ve been making snappy remarks for the DE for almost 50 years, and I’m still as pretty as ever.

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The first part of owning my own clone is to give it a name. I’ve thought long and hard about it, and I’ve decided to call him Lando Calrissian. Never just Lando, but always Lando Calrissian.

At first, I’m going to have him do the simple, yet annoying tasks that fill my everyday life. I can’t tell you how sick of sacrificing five minutes of my immortal life every day just so I can give the Daily Egyptian something witty to say with a story. From now on, Lando Calrissian will provide the comic genius that has graced the DE for so long. It will still be attributed to me, however.

Next, Lando Calrissian will skip class for me every day and throw Baja Chalupas at joggers while screaming, “Eat empty calories, Mr. Universe!” Then he can go around campus checking all the soda machines and pay phones for loose change – a guy’s gotta eat and throw Baja Chalupas at joggers.

The next errand Lando Calrissian will run for me will be to instruct local school children on how to collect bounty on local criminals when their tightwad uncle won’t send them checks for beer, Baja Chalupas and the latest Final Fantasy game – the cheap bastard.

Finally, Lando Calrissian will go to the bars every night and get rejected by drunk girls who say they would rather drive their cars off cliffs then spend one more moment in my sorry presence.

So what am I going to do while my clone does all my dirty work? I’m going to tackle that manifesto I’ve always wanted to do. That’s right kids. In a few more years, I will take over and will be your father, mother, cousin, president, king, dictator, emperor, Sith-lord and god. I’ll just commit a whole lot of crimes against humanity, like bringing back the New Kids on the Block or making a World War II epic with Pauly Shore, and when the mob goes looking for me, they’ll find Lando Calrissian.

And while they’re on their knees, weeping and sobbing over all the pain he has caused by putting the Weasel in a movie about the most pivotal time in American history, I will slip in and take over. Muhuhuhahahaha!

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Then, when I take over, I’ll clone myself 700,000 times and make the greatest army anyone has ever seen. They will be ruthless, cold and morally opposed to showering daily. They will bring justice and order to this world. They will make the impossible possible by unifying everyone, breaking down national borders and ending racial and religious differences. Everyone will have one thing in common. They will worship me! If they refuse, my clone army will invade their homes, unplug their television sets, give them unsightly tan lines and make them wear wet underwear! Stand down or be destroyed!

So anyway, that’s the positive side of human cloning. I hope I’ve shown you the true light. I hope you can see now that human cloning can benefit everyone. If you agree with me, I urge you to write your local, uh, government person, your local scientist and Michael Keaton about the subject. Or just e-mail me. Without a clone, I’m kind of lonely.