I have an ex-girlfriend who broke my heart who I just can’t forget. I have bad memories of getting beat up in high school. I attended my prom for a grand total of 30 minutes. I have a problem with authority figures. I have a bi-polar disorder. I act like I know everything, according to Joe.

My room is dirty. I’m unshaven. I grew up in East St. Louis. My feet are too big to find shoes in the mall. I have a sub-par grade point average. I’m lazy and out of shape, and I don’t care.

I think I have a couple of gray hairs. My personality is not what one would call normal. I miss my dog. I suffer from a condition that requires Viagra.

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I lost a watch at the Spillway. I can’t swim. I have a problem with people who think I should care about their feelings. I hate freshman. I hate people under the age of 21.

My family doesn’t talk to me. I smoke menthol tobacco. I have an addiction to reading Grace Priddy’s column because I think it will make her like me.

I always seem to find the wrong woman. I’m not black enough for BET but too black for MTV. I make jokes that aren’t funny.

I watch too much TV. My co-workers are cooler than me. My friend Logan beat me up. I don’t pay attention in class.

My contacts are dry. There is a fly in my house that just won’t die. I broke a nail. I cry at sad movies. I threw up on myself while on the toilet after drinking.

I fell down my ex-girlfriends’ steps. I wrecked my first car. My second car blew up. I sweat a lot. As far as drinking is concerned, I have the bladder of a 13-year-old girl.

My dad left when I was in the 6th grade. No one understands me. I lost my wallet. I didn’t make it on WWE’s Tough Enough. I was never cool enough for MTV’s “The Real World.”

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I chipped a tooth on my tongue ring. Fat girls won’t date me. I thought I lost the respect of my friends but then realized I don’t have any. I never would have made it as a caveman. I’m not cool enough to have little pieces of metal shoved through my face. My X-Box broke. I have anxiety attacks. I’m not very good at math.

Sometimes I have bad diarrhea. I have bad taste in movies. I’m a sci-fi nerd. I watch wrestling. I never check my e-mail. I like girls who other people don’t consider attractive. I don’t understand biology.

I watch the Discovery Channel to see animals do it. I read Playboy for the pictures. I watch the Spice Channel through the fuzzy lines.

I need a haircut. I think I forgot to brush my teeth today. My deodorant stopped working. I bought a watch for $200 then dropped it. I eat too much red meat.

The point is I’m probably one of the most screwed up people on this campus, yet I still seem to find the strength to face the day. Bottom line:Even if no one loves me, I still love myself and that’s what counts.

Everything I wrote about myself may or may not be true, but I still put it out for you. My opinion is no one’s but my own.

I feel so fresh and clean; my life is like a tampon commercial. I feel like riding a horse, hiking or kayaking with the Valtrex girl.

Can you dig that, sucker?