With a brutal war taking place in Iraq, the Daily Egyptian has embraced the spirit of peace and has decided to end an age-old civil war – Cubs versus Cards. The following is a cease-fire between Cub fans and Cardinal fans agreed upon by two representatives of the respective factions – Michael Brenner (Cubs, Egyptian sports editor) and Steve Jahnke (Cardinals, Egyptian photographer).

By Gus Bode

Though the following does not express the feelings of the entire southern Illinois baseball-watching constituency, Brenner and Jahnke hope that in the interest of peace on earth, goodwill toward men and the curbing of intra-NL Central violence, all terms will be honored by anyone representing the St. Louis Cardinals or Chicago Cubs when fans from the two groups are in mixed company.

This is the Cubs-Cardinals Covenant

Section A – Chicago’s superior populous and fan base vs. St. Louis as the world’s friendliest big city – Debates regarding which city and which fans are better.

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Article 1 – Cubs fans agree to stop proclaiming Chicago as a superior city because of its larger population and recognize St. Louis as a legitimate metropolis.

Article 2 – Chicago fans are not allowed to refer to St. Louis as “our little brother,” especially because that title belongs to Milwaukee, and Cub fans must refrain from constantly making light of St. Louis’ metro-area population being nearly one-quarter of Chicago’s.

Article 3 – Chicagoans recognize the existence of life below I-80

Sub article A – The words “Chicago is bigger than St. Louis” are never to be said near a Cardinals fan during a baseball game.

Article 4 – Cardinal fans are not allowed to refer to Chicago as an urban nightmare, or a cesspool of racism and corruption. References to the 1968 Democratic convention and Al Capone cannot be used without also referring to Enrico Fermi.

Article 5 – St. Louis fans agree to stop calling Cub fans losers and must at least pretend to respect Cub fans for their loyalty to the Chicago National League ball club.

Article 6 – St. Louis residents concede that St. Louis is not a flawless community.

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Section 2 – Busch Stadium, Wrigley Field and Ballpark Etiquette

Article 7 – The following Busch Stadium items are sacred religious relics and are not to be touched by non-believers:1. The statues of Stan Musial and Bob Gibson. 2. Anything in the stadium referring to any retired numbers.

Article 8 – The following Wrigley Field items are sacred religious relics and are not to be touched by any infidels:1. The Ivy. 2. The Harry Caray statue.

Subsection A – Cardinal fans may sit in the bleachers, but agree to do so at their own risk.

Section 3 – Darryl Kile

Article 9 – Cub fans acknowledge Darryl Kile’s status as a human being despite his status as a Cardinal, and agree that his death was not funny.

Article 10 – Cubs fans shall make no jokes about Kile or his family, and remarks such as “his curveball was as dead as Darryl Kile” are off limits.

Article 11 – Cardinal fans concede that Darryl Kile does not belong in the Hall of Fame.

Article 12 – St. Louis fans also agree to never mention Lou Brock to a Cubs fan.

Additional provisions – The sunset clause and sliding alcohol scale

Article 13 – Section 3 is null and void on April 3, 2013, but based on volume of consumed alcohol, Cub fans may tell Darryl Kile jokes. A Cub fan may take four months off the 2013 expiration date for every alcoholic beverage consumed, but may not mention Kile until at least April 3, 2008 no matter how inebriated.

Section 4 – Ownership and loyalty to Harry Christopher Carabina (Harry Caray)

Article 14 – Harry Caray will be known as the Cardinals’ broadcaster to any fan born before Feb. 18, 1967. Any Cardinal fan born on or after that is a member of the Jack Buck generation.

Article 15 – Harry Caray will be known as the Cubs’ broadcaster to any person born on or after Feb. 18, 1967. Any person born before that date is a member of the Jack Brickhouse generation.

Section 5 – Miscellaneous agreements

Article 16 – Cub and Cardinal fans are not required to root for each other in the playoffs. For the fan whose team is not in, wishing ill will upon his/her rival may be the only reason to watch baseball in October.

Article 17 – Cub and Cardinal fans agree the rivalry between their two teams is the best in the country, and anyone arguing Yankees/Red Sox or Giants/Dodgers can go to hell.

Article 18 – It is also agreed that the Cardinals shall never play home games in Illinois. The Cardinals belong on the West side of the Mississippi River. St. Louis fans do not want to play in Illinois, and Cub fans do not want them there.

Article 19 – All parts of the treaty shall be ratified April 4, 2002, and will be deemed irrelevant if the two teams ever meet in the playoffs.

Article 20 – In faith whereof, the above-named Plenipotentiaries have signed the present treaty.

Done in Carbondale, the second day of April, two thousand and three, in a single copy which will remain deposited in the archives of the Daily Egyptian newsroom, and of which authenticated copies will be sent to no one.

Article 21 – Let the games begin – in peace.

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