Have you ever taken the time to read the entire Bible? Me neither. I was raised Catholic, which meant we read only the weekly bulletin. I couldn’t quote a single line of scripture, but I knew about every bake sale or suggested tithe increase.

Recently, I grabbed my roommate’s Bible and flipped through the Old Testament. After the initial burning and scabbing subsided, I found that I have been wasting my time with coupon books. There are some great deals in the Bible of which I would love to take full advantage.

According to Leviticus 25:44, “Slaves, male and female, you may indeed possess provided you buy them from among the neighboring countries.” I’ve been forced to pick up after myself all this time when I could have just pushed it off on some Mexican, Russian or Canadian.

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I’m assuming in order to cash in on this deal, I couldn’t be gay anymore. It is clearly stated, just like the slave mandate, that a man “…shall not lie with a male as with a woman; such a thing is an abomination” (Leviticus 18:22).

It’s not as if I can just yank the cord out of the wall to turn off the gay, but I’d be willing to go back in the closet for a slave. When I consider how often I date compared to how often my dishes need washed, repressing my sexuality just makes sense.

I would prefer to have a Mexican slave since he could translate for me when people assume that I speak Spanish. It would also be like gaining another cable channel since I’d have someone to tell me what’s going on in those crazy Telemundo soap operas.

I’m not sure where my roommates and I would store my Mexican slave, Pepe. Our house is small and cramped with no vacant rooms available. I guess he could have the couch at night as long as we don’t have any overnight company. In such cases, he would have to sleep in my bed. Sure, I could put him on the front porch with the brown recluses. But we don’t live in the nicest area and I’d be afraid someone would attack him solely because of his uniform:spandex hot-pants, nipple tassels, and glittery jelly shoes.

My only real concern would be the Sunday workload. The Bible says “On six days work may be done, but the seventh day shall be rest to the Lord. Anyone who does work on that day shall be put to death” (Exodus 35:2). I really hope that doesn’t apply to slaves. I’m usually pretty hung over on Sundays and find myself with a hankering for tostadas and enchiladas. Does God really expect me to work through my lethargy and cook when I paid good money for Pepe? Why must everything come with so much fine print?

I guess this whole slave thing isn’t such a good idea. I’m sure Jesus vetoed a lot of his dad’s laws later in the New Testament. The last thing I want to do is start some big family argument over who gets to make the rules.

I just got so caught up in the convenience of the black and white. The fact is, I didn’t want a slave because the Bible said I am allowed to do so; I wanted a slave because I’m lazy. It just so happens that there’s a passage in the Bible that works to my advantage.

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I was also ready to wiggle out of the Sabbath rule when I found out it really didn’t work for me. But seriously, I love Mexican food.

It’s easy to accept things when they confirm beliefs and rationalize wants. When someone is raised to be intolerant or hate the GLBT (Gay Lesbian Bisexual Transgender) community, they don’t necessarily do so simply because the Bible has damned us. The hatred is cultivated first, way before a Bible passage is sited. Later, when a homophobe’s view is challenged, the Bible is used as a convenient final word.

Think about it. It’s a chicken versus the egg scenario. Does the Bible inspire the hate or is it just turned to for justification?

Well, if the fear and loathing are truly justified, then the Bible should be literally interpreted.

I guess I’ll just switch back to cutting coupons. Just know that with every snip, I’ll be wondering about Pepe and hoping he found a good home.