Over the weekend a friend and I were speaking to two African-American women about relationships, love and of course Black men.

I would say that I learned a lot from this conversation, but it went in a very predictable direction. Black men ain’t nuthin’. Black men are immature. Black men are…. I am sure the brothaz can fill in the rest. As I heard this, I did not have the reaction I think most African-American men would have. I did not defend my group, nor did I feel it necessary to attack African-American women. I just thought the conversation was pointless, and then I started thinking.

What if the comments African-American women are making about Black men are true? What if Black men as a group are not suitable mates for Black women? And if so, how should those Black men who fall outside the demographic norm react to this reality?

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I don’t exactly know. In fact, I was so confused that I called my best friend – a Black female who graduated with a B.A. in political science from SIUC in 2001. I just had to know why Black women hate Black men so much. She told me that it is usually the case that Black women choose the wrong Black men over and over again and then say that this is true of all Black men.

I thought this was the case, but I never understood why a Black woman who claims she wants love, companionship, and intellectual stimulation would ever decide to be with the exact opposite. Then it hit me:Black women were not seeking what they said they wanted.

Take for example the countless stories we (African-American men) hear about the Brothaz that don’t take care of their children, don’t have jobs and cheat. I mean aren’t Black women just as responsible for those stories as Black men? Is it not the case that Black women choose to be with men that they know are cheaters, that they know don’t have a job, and may have two or three kids with two baby mommas? Or how about when a girl sleeps with you in 3-7 days (which is perfectly okay in my book), but then argues that there should be some kind of commitment. There was one, it was sex, but beyond that has to be renegotiated.

So how should these Brothaz that don’t fit this mold respond to this unfair stereotype? Should we stop dating or desiring to be with Black women? And if we did, do we violate some moral imperative in the Black community that mandates that African-American men should marry African-American women? We know what Black women think. Inter-racial dating means you are a sell out, so what are our options?

Can educated African-American men find the type of woman they want in the Black community? I don’t know. I mean I prefer more of an ethnic mix, but I don’t know if that proves anything about the state of African-American women.

At some point African-American men have to make a choice. Is the burden of being with a Black woman who does not respect you because of the color of your skin and your larger penis a worthwhile partner?

Black men should be treated as individuals and judged on their character and life production, not stereotypes that differ very little from the historical assessments of that group, and it is our responsibility as African-American men to make sure Black women check their baggage at the gate.

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Tommy is a graduate student. My Nommo appears every Thursday. These views do not necessarily reflect those of the DAILY EGYPTIAN.