OK, the Pulse needs a few more inches, who doesn’t? I’ve got to write something music related here so why not an album review. Great idea! Let’s see what’s out.

Hmmm… lots of new music, but it is that time of the year when Christmas albums line store shelves like boxes of candy canes. Every has-been puts out a Christmas album at some point.

I can review a Christmas album! Great idea! Jessica Simpson doesn’t need my crap, she has all the tabloids writing about what kind of toilet paper she uses and what kind Nick cleans up his messes with so her merry ho-ho album is off the list. Wait a second is that Clay Aiken from American Idol singing all my favorite Christmas songs? Bingo.

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All right try and resist the urge to make fun of this album and listen to it. Not just sing along but also listen to Aiken’s over-produced but squeaky cute voice. Wooo! Sounds like somebody has a crush on Clay Aiken! No I don’t. It’s just that Simon really knows how to put this crap out. He is the master of wrapping up turds and selling them for $15 while he digests enough TV ratings to create another marketing monster.

Where are you now American Idols? Kelly Clarkson is the soon to be a punk rocker wannabe… ohhh she is so hard. Justin (what’s his face) disappeared after he and Kelly’s movie tanked straight to video, Ruben is in the hospital because he puts down more Big Macs than card carrying members of the Dawgpound and Fantasia is doing her stupid jitter bug dance across shows like Good Morning America.

I’ll be. Clay Aiken is the only one who is actually selling records. This Christmas music idea is really working because this baby is in the top five on CDNow.com. What? You still haven’t listened to it?

Go time! Clay Aiken singing “O, Holly Night.” Does it get much better? The answer is yes. O, Holly Crap I have to listen to this whole song. Wait a second – his voice is really reaching. Not bad, but easily forgettable. File this under background music.

“Winter Wonderland” brings about jovial visions of Aiken on stage holding a microphone trying really hard to get all of America to like him. “Clay Aiken, you’re fired!” Oh wait, that is the Apprentice. He should be fired for “Hark the Herald Angles Sing…”

Where is “Silent Night” you ask? It’s here and in full – on edge of tears and falling – effect. He sounds like he is going to cry. Come on and cry; that would totally make the album a roaring holiday success.

And don’t forget about “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas.” Well, I don’t mind if I do. It’s one of my all-time favorite Christmas songs! It sounds like Simon is in the studio with a gun telling everyone what to do. “String section pick it up or I’ll blast you mate!” More background music here, or elevator music which ever you prefer.

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“Hello? Clay it is Simon here in the booth. We have a song called ‘Mary Did You Know’ Give it whirl will yah chap. Randy it up with some bubble gum pop!”

File this under worst Christmas song ever.

“Merry Christmas With Love” is the title track so it has to be good. Clay Aiken loves me? I knew it! Sorry I dozed off for four minutes and four seconds. Noooooo! The song is over.

Pick it up for the grand finale Aiken. “Sleigh Ride” has got my head swaying from side to side. Put this one under the pest song on the album. Still over produced, no heart, American Idol style.

Close it off with “What Are You Doing For New Year’s Eve.” Well, I’m not listening to Clay Aiken’s Christmas album. Is this just a big metaphor for what Christmas has become? It should be called Comm-ristmas, commercialization and selling units drive Santa’s sleigh across the night sky.

Before you say “bahhhh humbug” after listening to “Merry Christmas With Love,” an album doomed to a fate of being played on bad speakers in tight spaced elevators, look for another of your favorite artists singing holiday tunes, like say Jessica Simpson, and put an end to this American Idolization. I knew I should have reviewed her album.

1 out of 4 Gusheads