Horoscopes for the hopeless

By Gus Bode

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

Yeah, it’s your time to shine – but remember, there are 11 other astrological signs just like yours. No, wait, actually they’re all better than yours. Things don’t look so great anymore, do they?

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)


Looking to score with the opposite sex? Same here. You wanna get some sherbet?

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

All signs point to Cleveland. And by the way, it doesn’t rock – it smells like feet.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21)

Go ahead, run naked through the streets with Jell-O dripping off your body. If anyone says you’re not attractive, it’s just Jell-O envy. J-E-L-L-O!

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)


Yes, you can eat the worm. I did.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)

Hungry like the wolf? Yeah, so was Little Red Riding Hood. Beware.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

Just because your butt sags doesn’t mean you’re not sexy.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23)

You’re still mad you weren’t born on Halloween, aren’t you?

Scorpio (Oct. 24 – Nov. 21)

I’m sorry I called you a winged spawn of Satan. That’ll cost me 15 Hail Marys.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

Don’t put that in the mashed potatoes, I know where it’s been.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

It’s peanut butter jelly time!