Horoscopes for the hopeless
January 20, 2005
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
Yeah, it’s your time to shine – but remember, there are 11 other astrological signs just like yours. No, wait, actually they’re all better than yours. Things don’t look so great anymore, do they?
Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)
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Looking to score with the opposite sex? Same here. You wanna get some sherbet?
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
All signs point to Cleveland. And by the way, it doesn’t rock – it smells like feet.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21)
Go ahead, run naked through the streets with Jell-O dripping off your body. If anyone says you’re not attractive, it’s just Jell-O envy. J-E-L-L-O!
Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
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Yes, you can eat the worm. I did.
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)
Hungry like the wolf? Yeah, so was Little Red Riding Hood. Beware.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
Just because your butt sags doesn’t mean you’re not sexy.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23)
You’re still mad you weren’t born on Halloween, aren’t you?
Scorpio (Oct. 24 – Nov. 21)
I’m sorry I called you a winged spawn of Satan. That’ll cost me 15 Hail Marys.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
Don’t put that in the mashed potatoes, I know where it’s been.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
It’s peanut butter jelly time!
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