Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)

Blowing your nose is the same as punching your brain. In other words, don’t!

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You will become an overexposed tabloid cover boy/girl. Blah, blah, blah.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Gemini (May 21 – June 21)

Bring me the head of William Wallace – on a stick.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

The greatest trick I ever pulled was convincing you I existed. Man, are you ever stupid.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)

They can take the kreme out of the paper, but they can’t take it out of you.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

Samsonite? You were way off.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23)

Too much hair gel hurts your follicles. Set them free, greaseball, set them free!

Scorpio (Oct. 24 – Nov. 21)

Do you really need that King Kong Pez dispenser?

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

I see Schlitz in you immediate future.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

I heart chocolate chip cookie dough blizzards, don’t you?

These horoscopes are intended to be totally random, and anyone who depends on them does so dangerously.