Bad script squashes ‘Spider-Man 3’

By Gus Bode

Spider-Man 3

Rated PG-13

Starring: Tobey Maguire, Kirsten Dunst, James Franco, Thomas Haden Church, Topher Grace

Advertisement

Directed by Sam Raimi

Run time: 2 hours, 20 minutes

Rating: 1 Gus head out of 4

The friendly neighborhood Spider-Man should be put on neighborhood watch after the release of the horrendous “Spider-Man 3.”

What was expected to be the biggest and best blockbuster of the year has turned into a laughable excuse for a superhero movie. Running at nearly two and a half hours, “Spider-Man 3” still manages to contain underdeveloped villains, retread fight scenes and pile of horrid one-liners.

Any semblance of a story is thrown out the window by the time the movie begins. It’s a jumbled cluster of mindless storylines and many characters such as Venom and Sandman lack any sort of depth to make them be interesting villains.

With the caliber of acting presented in “Spider-Man 3,” the script provides nothing for the cast to work with. If the movie accomplished anything, it’s that every single main character in the film visibly wept at some point. That isn’t an exaggeration; that’s complete honesty.

Advertisement

At one point in the film, Parker has been consumed by the Venom symbiote and his “dark side” takes over. He learns to comb his hair into an emo-style, play jazz piano and dance like he was in “Saturday Night Fever.” Every moment is painful to watch and nearly impossible to enjoy.

Even more hilarious is the fact that even after Sandman destroys what can be assumed as an entire police force, he is forgiven by Spider-Man and allowed to escape. It makes no sense.

Venom suffers the worst in this film as he gets very little time to shine. When the initial Venom symbiote lands on Earth, it just happens to land near Peter Parker. He then passes it onto Eddie Brock, who uses its manifestation of hate to carry out his resentment towards Parker. The filmmakers would have been better off leaving him out of this film and instead placed him in the next one. The minimal face time Venom gets in this flick only hinders the character instead of making him a great villain.

The movie is very campy. Whether it’s the scene where a New York firefighter cheers Spider-Man on, or moments later when Spider-Man takes a second to stand in front of an American flag, the cheesiness of this flick is off the charts. Even worse, the memorable kiss from the first film is cheapened by a similar kiss in this flick.

Bruce Campbell has one of the funnier scenes in the movie where he is a French waiter assisting Parker in popping the question to Mary Jane Watson. He allows a little humor in a film that constantly falls flat on its face when attempting to make a joke.

As for the computer-generated fight scenes, they have lost the wonderment that the previous films possessed. The only remotely cool thing about “Spider-Man 3” was the massive sizes Sandman grew into as he crushed cars and pummeled Spidey.

Sadly, a good-looking film can’t carry a franchise that already has two solid movies. A stronger script would have easily given this movie some form of redeeming quality. With all the expectation surrounding “Spider-Man 3,” it’s a surprise to see such a bare-boned and boring movie. Director Sam Raimi should have found a strong screenplay to make this movie the epic it deserved to be.

If Sony Pictures wants to release three more “Spider-Man” flicks, they should use this one as a lesson of what not to do. Of course, they’ll worry about that once they finish swimming in the mountains of cash this film will make.

Advertisement