43 reasons to steer clear of ‘Movie 43’

By Austin Flynn

“Movie 43,” an awkward sketch comedy unleashed upon unsuspecting viewers this weekend, has been declared the worst film of all time by several critics. Numerous A-list celebrities pack the film, but their star power can’t elevate its downright disgusting setup. The movie is divided into different short films, and each segment features different stars doing ridiculously dirty, and often sexual, things in the name of comedy. The movie’s Metacritic score sits at 16, which signifies an overwhelming dislike.

Although 43 reasons to skip the movie only scratches the surface, it certainly highlights the lowest points.

1. The running time is 90 minutes. That is 90 minutes too long.


2. Emma Stone can do better than her segment, which involves STDs and a supermarket microphone.

3. Elizabeth Banks can do better than her segment, which involves a demented cat and his owner.

4. Pretty much any A-list star can do better than his or her respective segments.

5. One segment pretty much condones beating an animated cat to death.

6. Richard Gere tries and fails to be funny.

7. Any hangover obtained from Polar Bear weekend would be less nauseating.

8. Three words: Diarrhea on windshield.


9. The frame story, which involves Dennis Quaid as a lunatic, holds the movie together as well as peanut butter would seal a boat leak.

10. The whole joke is that the film’s segments are too tasteless for film portrayal. No one noticed the irony here.

11. Think seeing a scrotum attached to a chin would be funny? Neither did we.

12. Even worse? Hugh Jackman subjects himself to said joke. There goes all of his “Les Miserables” Academy goodwill.

13. The film is littered with several terribly unfunny gay jokes.

14. Greg Kinnear can do better than his frame story segment. Yes, he was bad enough to separate from the rest of the list.

15. Christopher Mintz-Plasse is terribly miscast. If you get McLovin for your movie, please, please let him be funny.

16. The tagline is “Comedy. Exposed.” We get the double entendre, but the only thing this movie really exposes is how terribly wrong comedy can go.

17. Why would anyone waste Jason Sudeikis on a horrible Batman parody?

18. Speaking of the Batman parody, the segment’s setup (Robin is speed-dating, but Batman keeps interrupting him) could have been great, but it is squandered on jokes about Kristen Bell’s privates.

19. The entire segment with Gerard Butler as a leprechaun was among the most excruciating 10 minutes of our

lives so far.

20. Someone actually said, “Hey, let’s hire Snooki!”

21. Seth MacFarlane appears in the frame story but isn’t given much to do besides rehearse “American Dad” and “Family Guy” confusion jokes. The writers misuse the talented actors and overuse the unfunny ones.

22. A scene where a cat actually … We can’t say it in a newspaper.

23. One segment where Terrance Howard, an amazing actor, preaches a one-note race joke to his basketball team. It’s incredibly offensive to people of any race.

24. The last time Uma Thurman played a superhero was 2006’s “My Super Ex-Girlfriend.” It was atrocious, but it is a Best Picture contender compared to this.

25. Gere couldn’t get out of his contract, but we’re sure he tried.

26. Kate Bosworth couldn’t get out of her contract, but we’re sure she tried.

27. Seann William Scott and Johnny Knoxville never should have been paired together again after “The Dukes of Hazzard.”

28. Incest can never be funny in a film, and “Movie 43” makes that painfully obvious.

29. Viewers will want to cry in a shower after watching the film because they feel so dirty.

30. The movie actually made us lose faith in not only Hollywood but humanity as well.

31.The short with an animated cat makes “Garfield: The Movie” look good.

32. The only funny part is a two-minute commercial within the movie itself.

33. Halle Berry’s private parts should never be used to stir guacamole.

34. The movie not only made us feel bad about ourselves, but every other audience member as well.

35. Viewers could easily leave the theater feeling as though they should have been paid money to watch the movie.

36. The film’s existence helped us realize Hollywood has created a new form of punishment comparable to Chinese water torture.

37. It will be hard to see any of this film’s actors in a different light ever again.

38. The only laughter that arises comes from audience member slowly slipping into insanity.

39. It’s bad enough to make viewers want a hiatus from the comedy genre.

40. Jackman was better in “X-Men Origins: Wolverine,” Berry was better in “Catwoman,” Knoxville was better in “The Ringer” and Justin Long was better in “Alvin and the Chipmunks.”

41. The film is capable of offending people in every way imaginable, and then some.

42. The movie would be better suited as a horror movie rather than a comedy.

43. It will forever be shown in film classes as a “disaster film.”