So guess what? I’m Batman.
Well, not on this planet or in this universe. But I am Batman somewhere. Especially after the findings this week of the first physical evidence of the Big Bang hint at the multiverse theory.
Basically, the theory states there are different universes along the space-time continuum with an infinite number of possibilities. And in one of those universes, I’m Batman. And that’s the coolest thing ever so if you don’t like it please get out of my face right now.
But there are a ton of other universes as well. As you all know from previous accounts, I have the gift of vision and was able to look into a few of these universes. So here are few of the more interesting ones:
George W. Bush is a tree-hugger
In this timeline, George W. Bush became a hippie and honestly, things got a little weird.
First off, we didn’t invade Iraq. It was pretty neat because our soldiers didn’t have to needlessly die. We also caught Osama bin Laden in like 2004 because we didn’t divert all of our resources to a stupid war.
And since Bush was feeling groovy, he reinstated Glass-Steagall, effectively averting a large portion of the 2008 financial crisis. He also didn’t ban funding for stem-cell research and we found a myriad of treatments for debilitating diseases while staying at the forefront of science and technology.
But don’t get me wrong, things were a little off-kilter. He painted the White House green because he “wants to live in a house the same color as the earth, man.”
He also started just handing out money so we ended up with a different financial crisis. I mean, the real world doesn’t work that way, but Jerry Garcia W. Bush definitely thought handouts were the way.
Mr. Get-along-with-everybody W. Bush seriously hindered our international standing. Russia and China became the world’s foremost superpowers because we didn’t have a psychotic faux-Texan in the White House who’s foreign policy was basically “Bring It.”
Oh, and we didn’t get his lovely paintings after his presidency.
Anthony Weiner became president
You’re probably wondering how this happened, considering he never ran for president in our timeline. But this is my column, so shut up and just roll with it.
This universe was STRANGE. Instead of being reviled as a philanderer and subpar nude selfie taker, Weiner was admired for his image and made president along with his vice president Carlos Danger.
He instituted several reforms, including turning whitehouse.gov into a casual hookup website. But the biggest change easily came after his presidency when all campaign materials turned into sexy selfies.
Believe me, it’s as weird as it sounds.
Mitt Romney was a robot
Pretty much nothing was different.
The bankers went to jail
Easily the weirdest universe. The bankers who caused the 2008 financial crisis actually served time instead of lobster at banquets.
And I don’t mean club fed. They went to real, hard-time, gangs-everywhere, don’t-even-have-cable prison.
It led to sweeping reforms because who knew Dick Fuld of Lehman Brothers and Stan O’Neal of Merrill Lynch didn’t really feel like sharing a cell with Cheetoh and Big Dan on cell block D.
After the housing reforms, other forms of predatory lending were soon curbed, including credit cards and student loans. It led to prosperity amongst the American people who became highly educated and affluent without debt.
In short, flying cars for everyone.
Vladimir Putin wasn’t a crazy, expansionist, homophobic, jingoist
This universe doesn’t exist.
Seth Richardson can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org, on Twitter at @EgyptianRich or at 536-3311 ext. 268.