Seth Saves the World: Dude, Hobby Lobby, calm down

Hobby Lobby is a great store. They have all the things you need for arts and crafts under one roof. You can buy yarn, buttons, silk plants and glitter in one convenient location. If they had groceries there, they would have everything I need for everyday life.

Including Kesha, who is like 40 percent Hobby Lobby material.

Well, everything except birth control.

Hobby Lobby filed a lawsuit last year against the federal government saying they should be exempt from providing contraception because the owners are religious.

It makes sense when you think about it. I mean, my religion says I don’t have to pay taxes and must be provided with vodka, and I do so with glee.

“Excuse me, we’d like to have a word with you.”

So it’s only fair the Lob-dogs don’t have to provide workers who may or may not be religious with legally covered birth-control pills.

Now before everyone goes and gets angry and makes this about Obamacare, let’s get one thing straight: it’s a dumb law.

“Why you do dis?”

It’s got some good things in it, but for the most part its pretty much garbage. Congress refused to do anything in the four years since the law passed, so the law remained trash and will continue on that path until they decide to fix it.

But we’re not talking about that. We’re talking about Hobby Lobby and their great deals including denying responsible people who want birth control pills.

So why is Hobby Lobby so adamant about not providing birth control? CEO David Green essentially said Hobby Lobby is a special flower and should be treated as such.

“We believe that the principles that are taught scripturally is what we should operate our lives by … and so we cannot be a part of taking life,” he said.

He cites his religious beliefs. Okay, it’s a good enough argument and I happen to have the exact scripture mentioning condoms and the pill in the bible.

Oh that’s right. It says literally nothing about them.

Bible.org says “The wise use of birth control as a general principle to limit the number of children, the timing of children, and perhaps to postpone starting a family until a couple is better prepared to be parents should not be frowned upon.”

Heathens

So they don’t have the scripture argument. But that doesn’t necessarily matter. Green says he has a constitutional argument based on the First Amendment and not infringing on religion.

The only problem is a lot of people don’t think they have a case to stand on. In United States v. Lee, a case involving making Amish business owners pay Social Security taxes, the court said entering into a business essentially nullified the Amish’s claim they were exempt from taxes.

“When followers of a particular sect enter into commercial activity as a matter of choice, the limits they accept on their own conduct as a matter of conscience and faith are not to be superimposed on the statutory schemes which are binding on others in that activity,” the court said.

Take a break from the legalese and look into my puppy’s adorable eyes.

Take a break from the legalese and look into my puppy’s adorable eyes.

Justice John Paul Stevens went even further and cited the Establishment Clause as reason enough to deny exemptions to businesses based on religious claims.

“It is the overriding interest in keeping the government — whether it be the legislature or the courts — out of the business of evaluating the relative merits of differing religious claims,” Stevens said in the Lee concurrence. “The risk that governmental approval of some and disapproval of others will be perceived as favoring one religion over another is an important risk the Establishment Clause was designed to preclude.”

The monster.

So Hobby Lobby doesn’t have the scripture argument or the constitutional argument. What’s left?

Nothing. So Hobby Lobby, this is my plea to you to quit this ridiculous crusade you are on. You’re damaging your reputation and could potentially see some market loss by losing the lefty, birth-control hungry, knitting crew – an ever-growing demographic.

And besides, if you keep this up, I’ll have to get my macramé supplies from Jo-Ann Fabric, the Detroit of craft stores.

Eight shootings last week alone.

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