Give the gift that keeps people gagging

It’s a little too late for Valentine’s Day gift ideas, but there is nothing wrong with getting an early jump on April Fools’ Day.

A company called PoopSenders lets people anonymously send animal feces to anyone they want through the mail, and it can come from cows, gorillas or elephants. Senders can even choose between sending a quart or a whole gallon of the smelly stuff to whomever they please.

There is even a poop special of the month, and this month’s is cow dung.

Once those hard — or soft, depending on how the customer looks at it — decisions are made, the rest can be left up to the PoopSenders. The company’s website assures a perfectly pungent package will ship within three to five days of order placement, and it takes an average two to three days to reach its destination.

That’s just enough time to stage the prank and make sure a group of people is around to catch the lucky recipient’s reaction to such a gift. Make sure to get a seat with a good view though. No one will want to miss that terrible friend or crummy ex digging through the smelly sack for the business card that teases to reveal the sender but in reality promises to never tell.

According to the PoopSender’s website, some of the best people to send a steaming package of poo to include neighbors who leave pet droppings in your lawn, a mean boss, anyone who might have ripped you off or even someone who seems to already have it all.

And people have really taken advantage of this crap.

Customers from cities across the country including Seattle, Chicago, New York and Miami wrote product testimonials to the company that praise not only the service’s promptness but also its effectiveness and smelliness.

Out of all the testimonials, though, Chicago customers seem to be the most amped about the service.

A man named Stan wrote to the company and called its packages some of the “finest poop ever sent in the mail” and praised the business card’s strategic placement.

“I almost pooped myself when I heard he dug through the poop to find out who sent him the poop,” he wrote.

One Chicagoan even wrote to the company and admitted to sending three packs of poop in fewer than three months.

While this is all wonderfully weird and crappy, surely there is only one question clouding the brain: Is this stinking poop real?

Well, the website doesn’t exactly specify whether it is or not. However, it does mention a mad scientist who makes regular trips to a local dairy farm and zoo about twice a week. In the same paragraph, though, the company ensures that the product customers purchase “looks nasty, really stinks and will get the point across to the intended victim.”

Not only that, but there are restrictions on sending such waste through post offices.

According to the United States Postal Service’s Domestic Mail Manual, human or animal excrement is classified as a hazardous infectious material that can be sent through the mail for medical reasons only.

If one were to send a package of feces through the mail, it would have to be secured tightly — so the mail carrier doesn’t end up with stinkpalm — and be labeled as either a category A or B infectious substance. A substance is considered infectious if it is a material that is known or reasonably expected to contain any microorganism that can cause disease in humans or animals, according to the manual.

It gets a little more complicated than that, but surely these PoopSenders wouldn’t go through this arduous process every time they wanted to stink up someone’s day with a package of fresh feces.

It was a nice try to make the poo seem as real as the company could, but the secret has been busted. Their gag gift may not be real, but learning this only presents an even more important question.

How do these people know what gorilla, elephant or cow poop looks like, and how many hours do they have to spend on Google trying to perfect their imitation excrement?

That seems like the real story here.

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